Global Chameleon

Shiny objects A-Z....

2011-04-12T09:38:00.001-04:00

...to keep us distracted as the world goes to hell.

A: American Idol: Who cares if you no longer have health insurance, vacation time, or the right to collectively bargain? You can vicariously live the dream of becoming a multi-million-dollar recording artist via your TV.

B: BMI: Just as American food choices look less and less like organic plant life and American routines become more and more ass-bound, the national obsession with this 19-25 range hits a fever pitch. Rather than protest or speak up, spend your time counting calories and evading carbs.

C: College. A must-have for even a minimum-wage job these days. Too bad you leave 60 grand in debt - and too exhausted to question the dollar-for-value equation.

Who needs TV when you have DC Urban Moms?

2011-01-22T12:04:00.004-05:00

Part entertainment, part birth control,* the DC Urban Moms (and Dads!) message board recently got a little love(?) in the Washington City Paper.

So this intrepid reporter did a bit of investigating into the unvarnished, anonymity-enabled underbelly of high-achiever child-rearing and looked into what DC Urban Parents are talking about. What I found: these top 10 priceless posts:

10. "This is such a cliche, but I'm obsessed with my gardener"

9. "(Looking for) locally sourced vegan iron supplement without side effects"

8. "My white nanny wants MLK Day off"

7. "Please tell me how it is statistically possible that so many kids are scoring 99% on the WPPSI?"

6. "Why are all the men in Chevy Chase DC so darn unattractive?"

5. "Worried my daughter will have a unibrow"

4. "Would you be pissed if you came home after lunch and found your caregiver feeding the kids Campbells bean and bacon soup and grilled cheese sandwiches?"

3. "RANT - exposing your contagious children to my healthy ones"

2. "Is my wife insane/psycho or am I partially at fault and need to be more accepting?"

1. "First sleepover for my daughter, and the mother was drinking wine."

Of course she was. Of course she was.

* By this I mean, a person contemplating kids reading the less-supportive posts on this site might be led to the impression that raising a child - in addition to being responsible for the complete financial, physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual welfare of another human being for 18 years - now also entails being continually and mercilessly judged by people smarter, richer and infinitely more competent. So they may be inclined to think, "I give up my precious sleep and ablity to watch non-animated movies for this?" However, in regards to the "richer" part, as one of the commenters in the City Paper article pointed out, "saying you have a household income of $400K on the internet and actually having a household income of $400K are often two completely different things.

Commuter book review: The Privileges by Jonathan Dee

2010-09-15T20:59:00.000-04:00

Know those people who succeed at everything without even trying?

Perfect education, perfect jobs, lust-worthy real estate, lust-worthy sex life and impeccable health and fitness habits. That's our protagonists - the couple the advertising world would deem "a lucrative demographic."

Perfect kids? Well, not really - but there has to be some fodder for the last 2/3 of this book.

In most books, these perfect protagonists would get a come-uppance at some point. The fortune would fade, Madow-style. Illness would strike, showing that filthy lucre ain't everything. There'd be guilty rending of garments, bitter clanking of gin glasses, deep unhappiness beneath the Brooks Brothers tweed.

But none of that really happens here. The protagonists remain teflon and untainted. Sort of like in real life.

If you haven't gotten enough "rich will inherit the earth," with the non-fiction Goldman Sachs chronicles, go nuts with The Privileges. If this is not your thing, read at least the first chapter - a dead-on portrayal of the sweaty, awkward, drunken summer wedding everyone's attended at least once in life.

Commuter book review: Imperial Bedrooms by Bret Easton Ellis

2010-08-15T18:52:00.001-04:00

I remember fondly when, as a young junior high student, my grandmother bought me "Less Than Zero."

Seriously, she did - that and a bottle of Anais Anais.

It was a simpler, more innocent time, when high school coke parties and the gang rape of a tied-up teenager really held the power to shock.

So, how would these characters age, I wondered, as they entered the hazy shade of winter of life?

Mr. Ellis had a surprise in store. (He's a bit of an underrated writer, I think, often full of surprises.)

Not that amoral and thoroughly unpleasant Clay became a screenwriter. Hee hee - that's a Hollywood joke as tired as this season of "Entourage." And there's nothing quite so good as Patrick Bateman and colleagues drooling over the paper stock and font of a business card.

However, over the past 25 years, Mr. Ellis (Mr. Easton Ellis?) discovered the literary device known as "plot."

Accompanying the satire was an actual murder mystery.

I'm a veteran of numerous "Law and Order" reruns and I deemed it pretty good in most parts.

Just swap out Jerry Orbach (R.I.P.) for model-actresses, model-hookers, producer-d**chebags and the sleek, soulless backdrop of LA. With lots of coke and numb, soulless, transactional sex.

Imperial Bedrooms - perfect for the numb, soulless Monday morning commute.

Commuter book review: Angelina - an Unauthorized Biography

2010-08-02T23:31:00.002-04:00

This is the kind of book for which the Kindle was invented. By which I mean...no incriminating book jacket.

You can sit there with the most erudite expression on your face - "Why yes, fellow Metro passengers, I AM reading Foreign Policy Review" - when in actuality the words streaming before your eyes are "tattoos," "leather" and "bisexual love romp."

Andrew Morton is a talented biographer with a delightfully dry sense of humor. However, just because he wrote about Princess Di does not make this a classy read. "Classy" is not a word that should be used to describe any tone that discusses the size of Billy Bob Thornton's "lunch box."

Angelina: an Unauthorized Biography"

Commuter book review: The Girl Who Played with Fire

2010-08-02T13:08:00.001-04:00

It's the Swedish "Kill Bill." Read it and you'll know exactly what I mean.

Especially that end scene involving a cigarette case, an axe and a whole lot of dirt.

Is there anything Lisbeth Salandar cannot - ahem - dig her way out of?

(Spoiler note: She's not banging the irresistable Blomqvist in this one. But Mr. B. gets his fill of action nonetheless, maintaining his reputation as the pasty vortex of journalistic sex appeal from which no female character is safe.)

The only reason Uma Thurman is not being considered for the lead in the film verison The Girl Who Played with Fire is that she's too tall. And blond (which is kind of weird considering the character is Swedish and all). And perhaps illiterate with computers.

And this is a shame, because Salandar would kick ass in the yellow jumpsuit.

Commuter book review: The Children's Blizzard by David Laskin

2010-08-01T21:15:00.000-04:00

Nothing says "refreshing" on a hot summer day than a tale of 1800s winter prairie tragedy.

If you like Little House on the Prairie and other survival tales where pioneers burn twists of hay to fend off the arctic blasts or plucky orphans in rags stagger behind a teetering covered wagon, this is the book for you.

But that's just one angle. It's also a meteorological tale. What forces, exactly, were at work that turned Indian summer sunshine into dark gales of skin-piercing blizzard? It's a study of the human body. How do limbs, skin, brains and heart adapt to survive extreme cold, or fail to adapt?

It's also a dissection of staggering government in-fighting and incompetence that often made Katrina-era FEMA look like it was doing a heckuva job in comparison. Interesting chapters also tell of the post-blizzard media coverage, in which female schoolteachers (but not the boring, unpretty males) who nearly froze to death in abandoned haystacks were elevated to America's sweethearts.

The only thing missing: no barn-raising, square-dancing telethon or the ability to text "snowflake 911" to make your tax-deductible donation.

The Children's Blizzard.

Quake rocks DC!

2010-07-16T07:46:00.001-04:00

Vital news services to lobbyists and government contractors has been disrupted. The populace is in a frenzy.

Citizens in Haiti and Chile are sending their condolences; meanwhile, the District is airlifting in Bono, Wyclef Jean and grief counselors for support.

To donate to the relief effort, text "OVERREACT" to 10101.

Commuter book review: The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

2010-05-17T08:46:00.001-04:00

As I involuntarily eavesdrop on a few public transit conversations this morning, I ask myself:

What if my fellow commuters were Stieg Larsson characters instead?

Rather than the tourists yammering nonstop about the breakfast buffet of their last vacation, I d be listening to Lisbeth Salander talk about how she used her considerable wits to overcome a Dickensian upbringing and hack through any and every network firewall.

Instead of listening to two interns yammer on and on about how essential they are to democracy as we know it, I could listen to ace disgraced reporter Blomqvist share his secrets to bedding every female character between the ages of 20 to 60.

But this will never happen for 3 reasons. The previously mentioned characters are: 1. Fictional, 2. Swedish, and 3. Usually working on projects with a high risk of death, maiming and/or disgrace (so unlikely to be sharing them with an audience of dozens of commuters).

But it would be a hell of a lot more interesting.

Commuter book review: Wolf Hall

2010-05-04T18:46:00.001-04:00

Just when you think the dead Tudor horse can be beaten no more, a fresh take breathes new life into its plague-ridden, headless tale. Wolf Hall, rightly named one of 2009 s best books.

Here court advisor Thomas Cromwell takes center stage, a man so artfully conniving he makes the guest politicos on Morning Joe look like rank amateurs. Trained by Medicis, educated by dock workers, this is no man who would be caught be-diapered with 90 grand in the freezer. He survives beatings, plagues, curses, treachery...(for a few hundred pages at least)

This is the gritty, non-airbrushed version of history - warts, chamberpots, boils, flagellation straps and all. The bit players come to life and give some context to all that palace intrigue.

There are feasts, festivals, friendships, plucky orphans, rival apprentices, fox hunts, clever schemes, poisonings, noble quests, ignoble pursuits.

And, surprisingly, it s laugh-out-loud funny in many parts.

No schoolchild would find history boring when told in such a fashion. But no child really should be exposed to it. Harry Potter Wolf Hall is not.

Corrupt cardinals? There is no other kind in this book. Tortured Lutherans? Garrison Keilor would fall over in shock. Gossip of graphic incestuous sodomy?

So that s how the Boleyns are managing these days, our protagonist blithely responds.

You do realize Thomas Cromwell was an asshole, my Irish-Catholic reading companion reminds me.

Yes, but an entertaining and very human one in this telling.

Two thumbs and a freaky Anne Boleyn sixth finger up for Wolf Hall.

"The bigger the hoop, the bigger the ho"

2010-04-13T11:06:00.001-04:00

You can stifle their fashion but you will not stifle their snark…

Female lawyers get the Project Burka treatment:

“Do not wear your engagement ring if it is large because it may anger your women interviewers and cause jealousy (and perhaps rage)”

“Do not wear dark nail polish (avoid burgundy, cautioned Professor Collins)”

“Do not reveal your form in court because male judges will be distracted and female judges will be resentful.”

“Wear a shirt under your suit that is not too tight, not low-cut, not bright colored, not patterned, not ruffle-y, and not too feminine.”

“In sum, if you are a male lawyer, invest in a well-fitting suit (and be grateful). If you are a female lawyer, invest in a well-fitting male suit and a male who will wear said suit and speak for you, Cyrano style.”

Why cutting Fairfax Connector service is a bad idea (reason 5 of 6)

2010-04-07T16:27:00.000-04:00

Reason 5: Because the wealthiest county in the U.S. should be able to fund its own "mini-beltway."

Now I have nothing against Loudoun County (indeed, it contains the Leesburg Outlets and Hunters Head Tavern). But I'd rather see the funds for their Route 606 and Route 50 expansions come from somewhere else than Metropolitan Washington Airports Authority when MWAA funding shortfalls are the reason behind our proposed service cuts.

This article explains it better than I could hope to.

Short-Sighted Transit Proposal in a Nutshell

To close the gap created by a loss in outside revenue from Metropolitan Washington Airport Authority for Fairfax Connector operations in the Dulles Corridor, the budget proposal includes the following increase in fares and reductions in service:

◦A fare increase from $1.25 to $1.50 on the base fare.

◦Elimination of seven routes.

◦Creation of one route to replace a small portion of eliminated routes 552, 553, 554 and 557.

◦Reduction in the number of late-night trips, generally operating after 8:30 or 9 p.m., depending on the route.

◦Elimination of Sunday service in the Dulles Corridor.

•The Fairfax County Board of Supervisors will adopt a final FY 2011 budget on Apr. 27

You can do something!

Read about the proposed cuts.

Submit your comments online.

Sign up to speak at a public hearing April 4, 5 or 6.

Call the budget hotline: 703-324-9400.

Call your district supervisor (if you live in Fairfax County)

Why cutting Fairfax Connector service is a bad idea (reason 4 of 6)

2010-04-06T10:26:00.001-04:00

Reason 4: Because mass transit gets America's ever-broadening *ss out of the car seat.

As this article reports, leaner nations bike, walk, use mass transit.

Every day, you see on TV, in the newspapers, on the Internet panicked alerts about the American Obesity Crisis. OMG trans fats! OMG high-fructose corn syrup! OMG belly fat! If we're so damn concerned, why eliminate something that's part of the solution?

And taking the Connector/Metro is often a workout:
- Climbing the broken escalators
- Sprinting towards the closing doors
- Scrambling for one of the two remaining seats
- Contorting oneself to fit into a space sized for a limber teenage gymnast
- Maintaining balance during a particularly lurchy ride
- Stretching to reach the hand grabbie things
- Refraining from food and drink during the trip (well, openly that is)

Short-Sighted Transit Proposal in a Nutshell

To close the gap created by a loss in outside revenue from Metropolitan Washington Airport Authority for Fairfax Connector operations in the Dulles Corridor, the budget proposal includes the following increase in fares and reductions in service:

◦A fare increase from $1.25 to $1.50 on the base fare.

◦Elimination of seven routes.

◦Creation of one route to replace a small portion of eliminated routes 552, 553, 554 and 557.

◦Reduction in the number of late-night trips, generally operating after 8:30 or 9 p.m., depending on the route.

◦Elimination of Sunday service in the Dulles Corridor.

•The Fairfax County Board of Supervisors will adopt a final FY 2011 budget on Apr. 27

You can do something!

Read about the proposed cuts.

Submit your comments online.

Sign up to speak at a public hearing April 4, 5 or 6.

Call the budget hotline: 703-324-9400.

Call your district supervisor (if you live in Fairfax County)

Why cutting Fairfax Connector service is a bad idea (reason 3 of 6)

2010-03-30T14:23:00.000-04:00

Reason 3: Because Fairfaxians would like to be able to get their evening drink on downtown once in a while.

The Reston Towne Center is nice and all. But there are some evenings when you want something a little different than Rio Grande or Jackson's Fine Food. And that's where the Connector can hook you up to the orange line downtown. And this private chauffeur system means you can have that extra espresso-infused mojito (or two) down in the Penn Quarter without worrying about the Po Po pulling you over and dragging you in.

The proposed budget cuts would eliminate trips after 8:30 or 9:30 p.m. Who thought of that brilliant idea - the taxi drivers serving the West Falls Church metro stop?

Not only does this proposal cut into drinking, it also makes life difficult for catching a sporting event, play, live music or any evening activity not scheduled at the same time as the Denny's early bird special.

Short-Sighted Transit Proposal in a Nutshell

To close the gap created by a loss in outside revenue from Metropolitan Washington Airport Authority for Fairfax Connector operations in the Dulles Corridor, the budget proposal includes the following increase in fares and reductions in service:

◦A fare increase from $1.25 to $1.50 on the base fare.

◦Elimination of seven routes.

◦Creation of one route to replace a small portion of eliminated routes 552, 553, 554 and 557.

◦Reduction in the number of late-night trips, generally operating after 8:30 or 9 p.m., depending on the route.

◦Elimination of Sunday service in the Dulles Corridor.

•The Fairfax County Board of Supervisors will adopt a final FY 2011 budget on Apr. 27

You can do something!

Read about the proposed cuts.

Submit your comments online.

Sign up to speak at a public hearing April 4, 5 or 6.

Call the budget hotline: 703-324-9400.

Call your district supervisor (if you live in Fairfax County)

Why cutting Fairfax Connector service is a bad idea (reason 2 of 6)

2010-03-29T12:12:00.000-04:00

Reason 2: Because metro Washington traffic bl*ws d*nk*y b*lls.

When you're second only to Los Angeles in this, only strong language will do.

But the article says people are spending less time commuting, you may argue.

It's still an average of nearly one work week wasted each year, however. And those are hours you could spend more productively: watching bootleg copies of Avatar, trading sheep on Farmville, surreptitiously reading porn on your Kindle, sleeping, knitting if one is wont to knit - all things you can do on public transportation, by the way.

And here's a stat for the free-market capitalists among us:

"The overall cost of U.S. traffic congestion in 2007 reached $87.2 billion, more than $750 for every traveler."

Would somebody please think of the money, for God's sake! And mass transit is cost-effective. If you're on public transportation, you can be safely using your BlackBerry for work (or for selling crap on eBay - either way, bizness is gettin' done).

"The report urged state and federal governments to act now to develop highways or mass transit, since these programs can take 10 to 15 years to complete."

So why would we want to eliminate existing bus lines? Especially when The Report says we need more mass transit.

Short-Sighted Transit Proposal in a Nutshell

To close the gap created by a loss in outside revenue from Metropolitan Washington Airport Authority for Fairfax Connector operations in the Dulles Corridor, the budget proposal includes the following increase in fares and reductions in service:

◦A fare increase from $1.25 to $1.50 on the base fare.

◦Elimination of seven routes.

◦Creation of one route to replace a small portion of eliminated routes 552, 553, 554 and 557.

◦Reduction in the number of late-night trips, generally operating after 8:30 or 9 p.m., depending on the route.

◦Elimination of Sunday service in the Dulles Corridor.

•The Fairfax County Board of Supervisors will adopt a final FY 2011 budget on Apr. 27

You can do something!

Read about the proposed cuts.

Submit your comments online.

Sign up to speak at a public hearing April 4, 5 or 6.

Call the budget hotline: 703-324-9400.

Call your district supervisor (if you live in Fairfax County)

Why cutting Fairfax Connector service is a bad idea (reason 1 of 6)

2010-03-28T06:45:00.007-04:00

Reason 1: Because people actually use these buses.

I ride either the 554 (which may be eliminated) or the 505 (which would pick up the slack from 7 eliminated routes).

Let me tell you, on many mornings, the trip from the Wiehle Avenue Park and Ride to the West Falls Church Metro reminds me of riding the chicken buses in Central America. It's standing room only (high heels=bad idea).

And sometimes there's no room for more. People at the bus stop are left behind (in the literal - not evangelical - sense, of course).

What we actually need are more buses, not less.

Short-Sighted Transit Proposal in a Nutshell

To close the gap created by a loss in outside revenue from Metropolitan Washington Airport Authority for Fairfax Connector operations in the Dulles Corridor, the budget proposal includes the following increase in fares and reductions in service:

◦A fare increase from $1.25 to $1.50 on the base fare.

◦Elimination of seven routes.

◦Creation of one route to replace a small portion of eliminated routes 552, 553, 554 and 557.

◦Reduction in the number of late-night trips, generally operating after 8:30 or 9 p.m., depending on the route.

◦Elimination of Sunday service in the Dulles Corridor.

•The Fairfax County Board of Supervisors will adopt a final FY 2011 budget on Apr. 27

You can do something!

Read about the proposed cuts.

Submit your comments online.

Sign up to speak at a public hearing April 4, 5 or 6.

Call the budget hotline: 703-324-9400.

Call your district supervisor (if you live in Fairfax County).

Fairfax Connector, you are hurting my ability to be a more virtual person

2010-02-28T07:36:00.006-05:00

If proposed budget cuts go through this June, the commuter bus line I take to the metro will be eliminated, and I will be a far less virtuous person.

Yes, I'll go back to driving a car again and yes that's greenhouse gas emissions and whatnot.

But that's only one way this change in commuting habits will impact me.

Taking public transportation - the status quo I would like to preserve - has meant:

- I've gotten back to reading books again.

- I've gotten back to loading up my iPod with new music again.

- I'm a more productive worker because I sleep during my commute (not recommended while driving).

- I'm a more productive worker because I can actually do work during the commute (provided I'm able to move my arms enough to operate my Blackberry)

- I can start my day by catching up on the news (granted, this is TMZ more often than the Economist, but baby steps here).

- I have more to blog about, thanks to my fellow commuters.

- All the money I save from not having car payments, insurance, tags, gas expenses will no longer go to my investments and no longer contribute to the bonuses of the upper 0.0001%.

- I get some forced exercise in my day thanks to the metro station near my workplace having 1.) one of the tallest escalators, 2.) an escalator that seldom works.

Fairfax County is one of the wealthiest in the United States. Our traffic congestion is among the worst. Out of all of the things to cut, I don't think commuter bus lines should be on the chopping block.

I'm Sick of I'm Sorry

2010-02-19T12:02:00.001-05:00

Those two words just seem too easy to say these days - and too much an open door to free publicity.

First of all, I don't personally know Tiger Woods, John "Racist Penis" Mayer,

Mark Sanford, Elliot Spitzer/et al.

They did nothing wrong to me,* and I had no vested expectations in their saintly behavior. An apology from them to me the public feels totally unnecessary.

Secondly, even in appropriate circumstances, an apology after the fact isn't carte blanche to do whatever you want beforehand.

A modest proposal: Why not avoid acting like a complete tool in the first place? (or, if you do, keep it in the privacy of your own home/pants)

* But for a couple egregious ballads.

Fashion-blogging the Westminster Dog Show

2010-02-16T07:51:00.001-05:00

It's that time of year again and the bitches are in the house - all very cute, but what is up with their handlers?

Is there some regulation uniform for these people that stipulates:

- Melanie Griffith-in-Working-Girl power suit

- Orthopedic ballet slippers

- Flesh-colored hose that doesn't resemble any flesh I've ever seen

- Colors not found in nature

- Fabrics not found in nature

- Drool-resistant sequins

10 Famous Canadians Inexplicably Not Included in the Vancouver Opening Ceremonies....

2010-02-13T07:29:00.006-05:00

10. Celine Dion (although you know she will rise like a hydra for the closing festivities)

9 and 8. Neil Peart and Geddy Lee (and that other guy)

7. Corey Hart (if you can have Bryan Adams...)

6. Alanis Morissette (if you can have KD Lang...)

5. David Cronenberg (if you can have Ann Murray...)

4. Margaret Atwood

3. Tim Horton (why are these fine donuts not represented?)

2. Mike Green (yeah, Team Canada - WTF?)

1. Shatner!

The scarlet letter "O"

2010-02-04T17:49:00.001-05:00

"Your people are so large!"

Those are the first words out of any foreigner's mouth when they talk about the United States.

(Frankly, it gets old – it's like saying "Your women wear veils!" in Saudi Arabia or "Look—parkas!" in Alaska.)

Now, however, the world is wondering: Does Michelle Obama have the right to mention one long-ago incident when the family doctor cautioned "less crap, more veggies" for a too-quickly-growing daughter?

"Overweight" is a loaded word. Even worse, "obese." These words imply more than just a health condition or physical attribute. You attack an individual's very moral fiber, intelligence, socioeconomic status, competitiveness, desirability and worth as a human being.

These words hold so much power and scorn that a mere health recommendation can send a fragile psyche into spirals of shame and self-hatred – and cause a Yahoo news article to inspire over 4,000 comments. An unhealthy BMI – not salary, religion or political views – is the thing of which one must never speak.

But everyone else is talking about it—from international visitors appalled by Outback's Bloomin' Onions to those ubiquitous Internet ads about belly fat. You cannot go five minutes in this society without some kind of reminder about portion control, healthy choices, "taking care of yourself," carbs, transfats, cardio, core workouts, ad nauseum.

So why can't we welcome the voice of a woman who addresses the subject from a common-sense perspective?

Team Bella, Team Wonk

2010-01-29T09:00:00.001-05:00

Next to me on the Fairfax Connector: the archtypal young female executive, the stock photo that comes up when you search on "driven," "high-powered" and "upscale."

So I figured the book she was reading was some Thomas Friedman thing on globalization, or a New York Times Book Review notable.

I looked over her shoulder...

"Edward turned to the group and looked at Jacob"

New York is different than DC

2010-01-28T17:53:00.001-05:00

Leopard fur and Burberry plaid work together here

The hotel sports sequined throw pillows but a broken in-room phone

The room is stocked with an "intimacy kit" but no in-room coffeemaker

A reprimand at the top of the escalator ("stand to your left!") evolves into friendly banter by the bottom

You have to be seriously freaky to stand out at the train station here

You have got to be kidding me

2010-01-28T10:19:00.001-05:00

- $450 for a plain white designer t-shirt

- Dropped-crotch, cropped harem pants as a directional fashion statement

- Atonal music (Schoenberg!) as something a person should sit through and savor

- VIP bottle service at a roped-off table that just ends up trashed, filthy and overrun by the hoi polloi by sunrise

Sometimes I believe product designers/cultural "tastemakers" play pranks on the general public. They'll serve up something ordinary, ridiculous or both and EVANGELIZE it as revolutionary or must-have cool.

Which I believe may explain:

- $499-$699 (only $100 extra for 3G!) for the privilege of reading books from a backlit LED screen.

- $499-$699 (only $100 extra for 3G!) to miss out on any web feature using that newfangled technology "Flash."

- It's a laptop with no keyboard

- It's an oversized iPhone that can't make calls

- It's a "technological innovation" with no built-in camera

- And it's named for a feminine hygiene product

"But it has a touch screen!"

Technically, so did the Etch-A-Sketch.

Now there's a bailout

2010-01-26T09:19:00.001-05:00

Overheard on metro:

Via cell phone, a parent dutifully tries to prepare the disorganized teen for the day:

"You have no money? I have money with me, but that won't do you any good. Go into Grandma's room and get her purse. It's better than an ATM."

Now there's a bailout

2010-01-26T09:17:00.001-05:00

Overheard on metro:

Via cell phone, a parent dutifully tries to prepare the disorganized teen for the day:

"You have no money? I have money with me, but that won't do you any good. Go into Grandma's room and get her purse. It's better than an ATM."

Monday Metro hall of shame

2010-01-25T17:59:00.001-05:00

When riding this city's fine transportation system, please do not:

- Nochalantly amble up to the closing door of a crowded car and use your belly to wedge your way in. You risk getting us all offloaded and late to work (including your self-important self)

- Use rush hour as the time to figure out how to work a scarce blue smarttrip machine. Some of us need to fill our cards quickly in order to catch a bus 14 stops away - and being late means standing out in the rain for a half hour. If I get pneumonia, I will cough on you in a CDC-unapproved fashion the next time our paths meet.

Jumbotron poetry

2010-01-25T08:49:00.001-05:00

If you're submitting a text message to the jumbotron during a Caps game, in front of thousands, make sure it's your best work.

To wit:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Ovi is a beast
I love you mom

What, praytell, do flowers have to do with a child's love for a parent and the beastliness of the Great 8? Holy unclear linkages, batman.

For a traditional poem, it doesn't rhyme, and it's not quite weird enough to pass as modern or experimental.

In contrast:

Julie wants wings and I want Varly.

Now there's a lot of story packed into 7 words.

live from virginia!

2010-01-13T07:49:00.001-05:00

When I lived in maryland, my virginian friends would continually chide me about the superiority of their commonwealth.

Now, as a resident, I know the reason why: wine in the grocery stores.

It's what's for dinner (and breakfast), fellow southerners.

please please - sit by me!

2010-01-12T18:56:00.001-05:00

If you are doused in axe body spray
Reeking of stale marlboros
Sprawling your legs into my space
Flinging the full-sized newspaper into my face
Not using your indoor voice

I want to share my commute with you

about the book/metro analogies...

2010-01-12T18:51:00.001-05:00

"Lord of the flies" - you get 150 overworked defense contractors crammed into a car meant for 100, lurching sporadically towards clarendon, and the social contract understandably frays.

"Story of o" - a crowded subway inherently possesses sexual undertones - e.g. Is that your blackberry holster jabbing my butt, or are you just happy to see me? The orange line adds to the fun with its submissives - the folks who insist on cramming like sardines by the door - and its sadists, the jack asses who stretch their legs out into the aisle like they're in business class, taking the space of four standing people. No dripping candlewax spotted during rush hour though (not yet)

seventh circle of hell

2010-01-11T19:02:00.001-05:00

What does "lord of the flies" mixed with "the story of o" equal? Metro's orange line during rush hour

Coverage of death/rules for living

2009-09-18T16:24:00.002-04:00

You want to achieve enough in life so that, in the tragic event of your death, people write about you.

And you want to comport yourself well...so, should you ever be considered a suspect in such a tragedy—people never remark, “I always knew that one wasn't quite right.”

Goodness in September

2009-09-17T07:13:00.003-04:00

Ten things about the must-see documentary, "The September Issue"

10. Anna Wintour is not a bitch. She is a busy woman running her magazine.

9. If you want vivacious, warm and fuzzy, Andre Leon-Talley's office is right down the hall. Look for the cape.

8. If you go in to meet with Anna, you'd better have a sound defense for your choice of accessory, dress, story angle, fashion spread, or why you didn't shoot a certain agreed-upon Italian landmark on your expensive junket. You are working for Vogue, for God's sake.

7. You may disregard the above mandate, however, if you are "The World's Most Interesting Photographer."

6. It's really pointless to try to become as skinny as a model. They just aren't built like the other 99.9% of the world.

5. Brush, condition and trim your hair before your cover photo shoot. You're being photographed for Vogue, for God's sake.

4. Sometimes art (the gorgeous Galliano spread) is killed in for the sake of commerce. Sometimes art (the jumping model and photographer) prevails. It's the eternal creative conflict.

3. Even though it's a multi-billion dollar industry employing thousands and providing human beings with warmth, comfort, self-expression and the means to conceal their nudity, many people will still find fashion frivolous.

2. Every workplace has its issues.

1. "You must be tough." Words of wisdom from creative director/resident goddess Grace Coddington.

A sea of red

2009-09-16T06:12:00.001-04:00

Next time I'm trapped in the metro station with a bunch of people in red t-shirts, instead of saying "Obama, you're fired!" they'd better say, "Rock the Red!"

Caps season is coming up. Photos from practice at Kettler this weekend:

Caption unnecessary

"No way, Jose."

Ready to rumble!

It's how you say it

2009-09-14T18:11:00.003-04:00

In hockey, they beat the crap out of each other.

In soccer, they sometimes stomp on each other.

Now picture the restrained Justine Henin or the lovely Anna Kornikova engaging in such behavior.

Girlfighting runs a broad spectrum between "Bitch I will cut you!" and "You're wearing mauve to the gala?" (tight smile, lots of teeth).

Tennis generally reflects style #2. (See: Federer, Roger; monogram) Serena Williams taps into a little bit more of style #1. And it makes people just a little bit uncomfortable.

An interesting take on the situation...

Woof Blitzer, reporting from Middleburg, VA

2009-09-11T19:41:00.000-04:00

Antisocial media

2009-08-20T16:01:00.003-04:00

Take away
these 12 types,
and there’d be no one left on Facebook.

CNN, purveyor of breaking news, described the types. I provide helpful examples so you may spot the evil within. (For me, it’s 8 and 9, lurker and crank.).

1. “Right foot polished…except for that crazy little pinkie.”
2. “Eton, Yale, now Stanford University School of Medicine - so hard to see out my S-Class’ rear window ”
3. “10,000 fans and counting”
4. “OMG! Brett Favre!”
5. “Is the proper tense ‘shat’? In any case…”
6. “Cabo this weekend – can’t wait to go their!”
7. “Why can’t I get laid?”
8. {What are you doing right now?}
9. “Like Mel Brooks in Spaceballs, surrounded by assholes”
10. “Miss B’s summer dungeon pics – now posted!”
11. “That’s the last time I ignore what the blue parrot says about love.”
12. “Which leafy green vegetable are you?”

Ayn Rand distributes your tofu

2009-08-19T19:19:00.002-04:00

It's a little like discovering:

- John Mayer's not really a sensitive guy

- James Gandolfini doesn't really whack people in his spare time.

- Estelle Getty didn't really walk the earth as a sprlightly little Sicilian lady.

"Picture it, the arugula aisle, 2009. High-deductible health plans are all the rage."

Glimmers of hope in a crap week

2009-08-07T08:52:00.006-04:00

If this week left you thinking "What a shitty world," it's understandable.

Some idiot in Pittsburgh thinks he's entitled to a harem of cheerleaders just because he wears cologne and goes to the gym once in a while. Then he's entitled to shoot his way through the Latin Jazz class when the overall female population decides, "Whoa - dude's creepy!"

Then the swastika was revived as a propoganda symbol.

But here are two reminders that all yin brings a bit of yang. Or something like that.

Julia Child: Movie or no movie, if you can read "My Life in Paris" without getting a spring in your step and some (wait for it) joie de vivre in your heart, you are officially dead.

The Progressive Insurance Girl: So many guys I know harbor secret and not-so-secret crushes on her. What's cool: She's got a personality. She's got a brain. She looks like a real person you'd see on the street. Yes, she's a fictional character pimping insurance, but she's a far more positive depiction of female empowerment than, say, the bikini posse swimming up that guy's nostrils in the Axe commercials.

Then there are the freed journalists, the newest member of the Supreme Court...So perhaps some glimmers of hope in a crap week.

5 Things I Won't Miss When the Recession Ends

2009-08-05T20:15:00.001-04:00

The economic bloodbath is over! (If you're an executive with Goldman Sachs or if you believe an over-optimistic glimpse into a few statistical indicators, that is.)

Whenever this blessed event arrives, it won't be soon enough...

Here are 5 things that hurt more than the carnage inflicted upon my retirement fund:

1. Cash4Gold TV ads: Not only are the production values sad, $800 for all your jewelry is a deal that makes the pawnshop look good.

2. Stupid faux words like "Staycation," "Funployment" and "Recessionista"

3. CNN's "Grapes of Wrath" series. Sad and chilling. In keeping with the site's post-Turner decline, can't it just stick with frivolous celebrity gossip and cougar wisdom from The Frisky?

4. Articles about how the wealthy have suddenly discovered "frugality": See Vogue, Gwyneth Paltrow, Oprah, the Hamptons.

5. The use of the word "stimulus" in a totally non-sexy, g-rated context

On a serious note: An increasing number of empty storefronts are popping up in downtown Bethesda. If you have a favorite restaurant, deli, shop, convenience store, adult video purveyor, etc., now is a good time to patronize them, wherever you live. Unlike Goldman Sachs, these businesses will neither be receiving bailouts or million-dollar bonuses.

Colombia: Truth in advertising

2009-08-03T08:08:00.004-04:00

Kudos to the beautiful and intriguing nation of Colombia for cutting through the PC sugarcoating with its new tourism slogan:*

The Only Risk is Wanting to Stay

It's true: Unfortunately, the first reaction people generally have when you say you're thinking of booking a ticket to Bogota is either a guarded look or a reference to a.) FARC** b.) the Medellin cartel, or c.) the movie, Maria Full of Grace.

(If you're talking to a warm-blooded human with XY chromosomes, they might mention Shakira as well. But only after mentioning Pablo Escobar.)

So this ad campaign takes the bull by the horns and tackles the preconceptions early on.

- As the commercial states, the word for "foreigner" is the same as the word for "friend" (not "ransom")

With lovely images and music, it reinforces the point that:

- No, you won't need to take an armed posse of guards with you to the club. (ED NOTE: That's Johannesburg.)

- Yes, you will be storing your souvenirs in the normal way during the return flight, in the overhead compartment, not your anal cavity.

Imagine if other destinations around the world adopted similar no-bull taglines.

- Yes, we have hookers!

- Not the shithole you previously imagined.

- You'll come for the cheap trinkets. You'll stay for the cute street dogs.

- Where five-mile taxi rides from the airport only cost $50.

* This slogan replaces the previous one: "It's spelled with an 'O', jackass."

** Not to be confused with Fark

8 Habits of Highly Effective Bon-Bon Eaters

2009-06-30T21:48:00.007-04:00

It's a busy life - between posing my bobbleheads in compromising positions and twitting out haiku in honor of "Jon and Kate Plus Hate," I keep a schedule that would frazzle a lesser mortal.

Many ask, how do you do it?

It's called efficiency, people - making time, as they say in the prison population, your bitch. Read on and learn from me, young Padawans.

1. I keep several calendars. The majority of these are from 2004 and have pretty pictures.

2. To absorb information when I'm on the go, I use a novel RSS feeder known as "my eyes."

3. For many years, I did not have cable TV. Then I realized I had become a pompous ass.

4. Multitasking, part one. I Twitter while on the toilet. This way I can overshare in many ways.

5. Multitasking, part deux. When I work out, I enrich my mind by consuming multiple streams of media. This week's playlist: History Channel's "Armageddon Week," the expose on the Indonesian Tree Man and "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant."

6. Learning, an ongoing process, should not stop when you are away from Comcast or Al Gore's magical invention. That's why I maximize every moment absorbing knowledge - even in line at the supermarket.* With practice, you can skim the Holy Trifecta (Star, InTouch, OK!) between unloading the basket and swiping your debit card.

* Did you know that Michael Jackson's younger child is named "Blanket"? No? Now you do. You may thank me later. (On a related note - WTF?)

7. Apps - or, rather, iApps. God, I love them. They not only keep me organized, they make me feel closer to Steve Jobs (who sadly rejected both my offer of a liver and my offer to *service* him during his recovery).

8. Email management. Unless you are forwarding me photos of fuzzy red pandas or are the Vice President of Nigeria offering me $700,000 to put money into your account, your message is deleted after my first read. Seriously.

Fort Reno concert series, Ghana Cafe...where'd you go?

2009-06-16T20:52:00.004-04:00

The Ghana Cafe was a reason for a non-intern to visit Adams Morgan. Bottles of Tusker behind the bar, a reggae band singing Wayne Newton classics, a patio perfect for ring-side 1 a.m. stumbler-gawking.

Now it's vacant "due to circumstances beyond our control," the facade refurbished to a disturbingly Ethan Allen look. The owners claim they will re-establish elsewhere, and cater fufu for the masses in the interim. But it won't be the same.

And where's the 2009 summer schedule for Fort Reno? Where are the high school kids in black bringing a little f*ck the man to Friendship Heights?

Some surprises are good. And some are just sad.

The mean streets of Bethesda

2009-06-03T20:15:00.001-04:00

Word.

The Kinsey Theatre of Montgomery County

2009-06-03T20:06:00.004-04:00

First there was "Menopause, the Musical" - now this, spotted during my morning commute of all things.

Methinks a certain suburban cultural institution has sex on its brain as the days get longer and the sun gets hotter.

What next?
- Librettos About Fellatio
- Lay Miserables (heh heh - I slay me)
- Tis Pity She's a Whore (a real play that debuted in the 1600s at the...wait for it...Cockpit Theater)

From winter to summer...

2009-06-03T06:47:00.001-04:00

The 2008-09 season behind him, "Bruce Boudreau" attends the Vintage Virginia Wine Festival.

A team needs to be tough to take down the Red Wings...

2009-05-28T22:57:00.004-04:00

And I don't think it will be led by "Cindy the Kid."

Next year, Caps, next year...

Where's MY reality show?

2009-05-28T22:10:00.006-04:00

I live in an expensive neighborhood, after all. And my life - as this rare glimpse behind my usual veil of privacy will demonstrate - is scintillating.

Audrina-esque, even.

Call it Dishwater Blonde Middle-Class Mafia *

6 p.m. I leave my job as a Power Player in Montgomery County. I walk towards the Metro only to be attacked by...a downpour of monsoon proportions.

6:15 p.m. I duck for cover in the nearby Safeway. As a Cultural Connoisseur, I pick up the latest issues of In Touch and Harper's Bazaar in case it's a long wait under the awning. Chat with neighbor from shop down the street.

6:30 p.m. My Fashion Sophisticate ensemble from H&M drenched by the downpour, I board the Metro for Friendship Heights/Mazza Gallerie.

7 p.m. As a Philanthropic Leader, every so often I Rub Elbows With Prominent People and try not to look like a hussy while doing so. This guides my shopping mission of finding a little Washingtonian shawl or jacket to wear over a sundress for an upcoming dinner.

7:45 p.m. The only thing that doesn't make me look cougar or Amish is $900. Empty handed, I Easily Move to the Diverse Social Circles of my apartment building.

8 p.m. Now changed into Steve & Barry sweats, I pop a workout DVD into the computer and flip the tv back and forth between Olberman and EuroNews.

8:30 p.m. Watching an expose on the plight of the Roma people during my crunch routine is just too much. I flip around for lighter fare, only to find...a "Real Housewives" marathon.

* The Sicilian ancestors will be proud.

There are scores of cool, accomplished women in DC

2009-05-26T18:57:00.010-04:00

But the greater world may never know it thanks to this upcoming reality show. Similar to its NYC, OC, NJ and Atlanta predecessors, "Real Housewives of DC" likely will cater to every cheap and easy stereotype fitting to the region:

- The Botoxed Potomac trophy wife

- The Middleburg horse-farm heiress and her Argentine riding instructor

- The Georgetown hostess who hides a flask of G&Ts in her Lilly Pulitzer twinset

- The strident, Ann Taylor-clad workaholic. A lawyer, perhaps? Maybe a lawyer who emasculates her husband? Pretty daring and original, that.

- The helicopter mom with a Lexus minivan covered in Harvard/Yale/Princeton stickers. Maybe she's married to a lobbyist or elected official who's never around to share the parenting responsibilities. Maybe she hides her resentment and thwarted ambitions behind a tightly clenched smile. Wow, there's ground that's never been covered.

- A strumpet. Because there's always a strumpet in any Real Housewives mix.

- A cougar. Because there's always a cougar, too. Grrrr, young intern.

On the bright side, as with the Atlanta show, I predict there will be non-white women in the cast, just to reflect the fact that the city is not only 55.6% black * but also home to a wide range of non-WASP nationalities. (Yes, even in Northwest.)

Says ET Online:

The executive vice president and general manager of Bravo Media, Frances Berwick, told ET that they are looking to cast "Washington D.C.'s influential players, cultural connoisseurs, fashion sophisticates and philanthropic leaders."

Berwick said cast members would be "the people who rub elbows with the most prominent people in the country and easily move in the city's diverse political and social circles."

The writeup promises great things. But would the true "connoisseurs, players and philanthropic leaders" really subject themselves to a casting cattle call and "Jon & Kate"-style scrutiny? Would they have the time and inclination to be filmed for hours every week at the mercy of editors itching for a staged cat fight?

I think maybe not.

* Like any respected news source, I get my statistics from Wikipedia.

An Open Epistle to the Unknown Commuter

2009-05-26T18:28:00.006-04:00

Yes, you on the orange line this morning at the Court House stop.

The train was full. Crammed-to-the-gills, Tokyo-style, sardine-level full. In fact, the sheer laws of physics - specifically the placement and displacement of human matter - precluded your entry into the car.

But you are a Very Important Person traveling to a Very Important Job - a position much more important than the jobs of us 800 or so peons. So, rather than wait for the train just two minutes behind the full one, you jammed your briefcase/yoga mat/oversized Kelly bag into the door.

The metro driver cajoled, ordered and pleaded. The doors opened and shut nearly ten times. But you remained stalwart. "Don't you know who I am?" you might have thought or muttered to the recalcitrant door.

Like an insolent lawnboy soon to be dispatched to the INS by your omnipotent hand, the door did not obey. In fact, the entire train defied your wishes and soon refused to operate, spurring its driver to disboard us all.

And we were all late to work.

I never saw you, up in the front car, only heard the metro driver call out your presence. But I've seen your type on many commutes. You sprawl out your legs into your seatmate's personal space or fan out the contents of your briefcase across the entire seat during rush hour. You jabber loudly into your Blackberry in the morning silence. You shoulder aside all in your way in the rush to the turnstile.

Thank you Fairfax/Arlington Power Player for violating the social contract of public transportation. If you were really as important as you thought you were, your last name would be Obama and you'd be commuting in a motorcade, not a subway car.

Help!

2009-05-26T18:25:00.000-04:00

Crab nite in Cleveland Park

A weight limit on the Supreme Court?

2009-05-05T18:56:00.005-04:00

I watch enough reality TV, read enough trashy tabloids and witness a sufficient number of Alli commercials * to realize these things about contemporary American society:

- That the most impressive achievement a woman can ever mark is to give birth and lose the baby weight in record time.

- That a health and medicine section in Borders will be 95% diet guides, 5% books covering all other known medical conditions.

- That Jessica Simpson would have never made the cover of Vanity Fair if she was still rocking those unfortunate high-waisted jeans.

But surely some places are sacred. Surely in the Supreme Court, justice should be blind and the key qualification for serving should not be "looking like Heather Locklear in a black robe."

"Justice may be blind, but not when it comes to weight. Paul Campos reports on the bizarre campaign to find a woman to replace David Souter on the High Court—as lonas she’s thin."

Read the whole thing here.

Particularly interesting, the "it's all about health" argument:

At The Washington Monthly, a commentator claimed to have employed a more scientifically rigorous method: “To all the short-sighted libs who are clamoring for the youngest-possible nominee... Right idea, wrong methodology. You want someone who will serve the longest, i.e. with the greatest remaining life expectancy—and that involves more than simple age. I tried assessing their respective health prospects, and ruled out all who even border on overweight. Best choice: Kim McLane Wardlaw, whose ectomorphitude reflects her publicly known aerobic-exercise habits.”

Under this rationale, Madonna's personal trainer should be appointed to the bench - and use that bench as an aerobics step for twice-daily cardio conditioning.

* The A stands for "Ask your doctor about the oily discharge"...otherwise known as involuntary poo.

Pens 0, Bobbleheads 2

2009-05-05T08:08:00.004-04:00

Yet again, things are good for the Russians...

As well as for our previously lovelorn bobblehead...

"Forget Varly, he's a child - I want YOU back..."

"She's a strumpet tchotcke - but I love her!"

***shrug*** "I'm a beaded doll, why are you asking me for
advice?"

"What do I do with her, clay one?"

"Send her over to Crosby before game 3 - I hear she already
distracted Malkin with her feminine wiles."

Read more of the Bobblehead Chronicles here.

Bobbleheads rejoice!

2009-04-29T00:27:00.003-04:00

(But where are the Federov, Varly and Semin statuettes?)

Coming up next...

A gentile, quiet, ever-so-polite series against our next worthy opponents.

Tension and suspense in Bobblehead-Land...

2009-04-27T19:39:00.007-04:00

Though victorious on the ice going into Game 7, not all is well in
the Russia House as playoff fever intensifies...

"I'm leaving you for that hottie Var-LAH-mov..."

"She's the only cloth babushka I ever loved!"

"(sigh) What do I know about love - I'm just a beaded, armless,
red-eyed doll-child."

"Buckle not, padawan learner. Channel your energy into crushing
the Rangers. (Particularly that Paul Mara and his freaky red
beard.)"

"I shall, clay one. And we shall win!"

Read more of the Bobblehead Chronicles here.

"Your father should be fired!"

2009-04-21T05:55:00.003-04:00

Sportsmanship in Bethesda, reported here in The Washington Post.

The kids were acting just fine - kids often do. This time, the parents were the ones cordoned off to a special corner of the stands for a time-out.

To mix my sports analogies, the "sin bin" for the rowdy helicopter moms and dads was 100 yards from the field, enforced like a restraining order by field managers with cell phones.

In the words of the League president and one of the calmer, more rational parents:

"This isn't World Cup soccer...this is seventh grade."

What next - bags of urine and car batteries hurled onto the field?

The Legacy team lost, 2-0. Their parents filed glumly off the hill, their timeout completed. They put their sweaty daughters in SUVs and minivans and quickly left the parking lot.

Many of the vehicles had stickers with the league's motto: "Lasting Friendships Through Soccer."

Return of the Red

2009-04-20T20:52:00.011-04:00

"I hate Sean Avery, too, Mr. Tall Hockey Man."

"Dig the Hair Cuttery do but can you introduce me to #28 and Varly?"

Bring it on, Rangers. Bring it on.

Check out hot 2008 bobblehead goodness.

The 4-20 post

2009-04-20T17:57:00.002-04:00

Within mere hours, WAMU segued from a story about "creatively re-appropriating" prescription drugs to make you be smarter to...

a hypothetical reinactment of marijuana legalization, celebrated two years later. (link unfindable, alas)

And not every quote from the latter was "yay weed!" One "interviewee" damningly indicted his fictitious friend.

"He's not as interesting since he started smoking pot."

Adderall vs. pot-4-all...

Wake 'n' bake vs. never sleep....

In which direction will human evolution lead?

What, praytell, is an "Oven Chicken," linguistically challenged Buffalo fans?

2009-04-13T21:39:00.008-04:00

NHL playoffs, starting Wednesday, won't bring the Sabres to Verizon Center (or to any other game potentially leading to the Stanley Cup, for that matter).

However, Caps spectators may enjoy new rounds of spirited inter-city banter, wordplay and creativity.

What does such banter look like? Here are examples seen, heard and, well, splashed upon during the 2008-09 season:

- Elegant water fixtures

- Lovingly personalized jerseys

- A nine-year-old scarlet-decked Washingtonian shouting "Rangers suck" at the top of his wee lungs. (Parent-bloggers, shield your eyes.)

Even the Europeans have caught the playoff spirit. In Funchal, Portugal, the name "Crosby" is synonymous with masculine toughness.

Let the games begin. Grow those scratchy beards. Go Caps!

The Easter Bunny is rich. Very rich.

2009-04-09T06:54:00.002-04:00

Painted Easter eggs in a supermarket in Zurich.

(Crack them open to find your latest bank statement.)

Good Fish Friday...

2009-04-09T06:17:00.011-04:00

In honor of the holiday weekend, photos from the Madeira fish market in the Catholic nation of Portugal.

(On the eighth day, God created bacalau.)

Time

2009-04-08T23:14:00.007-04:00

Like the fuzzy-bottomed red panda gratuitously posted here (because it is cute and because those other pandas get all the press), time is a sneaky creature and tends to scamper away of its own accord.

Mysteries of the time-space continuum that continue to elude me:

- Why does the Metro red line "next train arriving" sign always read double digits when I get to the platform?

- Why does 30 minutes on the elliptical seem longer than seven days on vacation?

- How can it be April already? (And why is it so damn cold still?)

- Why are the Smithsonian museums and DC galleries only open during business hours? I'd like to see some of this stuff after work thank you very much.

- Why does the "to do" list still have items remaining at 11 p.m.?

- Why are all the good tv shows clumped up on Monday night (and not spread out through mid-week when they're sorely needed)?

- If we all ran around without watches, Blackberries, alarms or clocks, how differently would we schedule our lives?

Truly tasteless juxtapositions

2009-03-18T21:14:00.004-04:00

3D PHOTO SPECIAL GLASSES INSIDE!

In any circumstance, accessorizing that kind of cover story with that kind of ad would be, ahem, unfortunate.

But this holds particularly true for People magazine's cover story on Natasha Richardson, a classy actress (and, by the accounts of those who knew her, a classy human being) who passed away far too young.

But wait, there's more...The contextual ad generator for Gawker (which blogged about this) drew up a banner ad for the show "Head Case" next to this post.

(What - no ski resort promo, too?)

And the final indignity: "RIP" next to "John and Jen: Who Dumped Who?"

Poverty porn

2009-03-17T06:17:00.008-04:00

In a recession, most people find themselves working harder - at their current jobs, at two jobs, at finding a job and at clipping coupons, refashioning bread wrappers and partaking in other labor-intensive thrifty behaviors.

In the midst of all this work, temptation exists to just say "screw it," sloth out on the couch with a six-pack of PBR and crash out to a marathon of "Mark and Olly and the Machiguenga" (if one still splurges for cable, that is - if not, substitute with Montgomery County Cable Access)

To resist, one need only turn to the Internet (preferably in a quiet, dimly lit, private place) for kick-in-the-butt motivation: Poverty Porn.

These are all those "OMG! OMG! OMG! We're all poor! Starving in the streets! Breadlines, breadlines, breadlines!" stories you've been reading, and they exist to scare the collective s**t out of the public.

If you do not work hard, work smart and do your best to be lucky, you will be one of the unwashed poor.

These stories follow a certain formula of genres:

Fall from grace: Humbled banker parts with yuppie past (in the comments, illustration why no good comes from sharing one's salary - you're either a rich slob or a poor slob)

The fall of the Brie eater: Food banks , now visited by those who never expected to be there. They always existed, of course, but now that the volunteers are the patrons, they're worthy of news coverage.

Formerly rich people embracing thrift as if it was a missing and mysterious Dead Sea scroll: Self-applied nail polish and fast food...how exotic. I now feel a unique kinship and understanding with my poor yet proud brethren.

The ubiquitous tent city: Note the city official talking about "compassion," "tough love" and "zero tolerance" in the same breath. I don't tolerate you not having money! Lazy, lazy people! In the Amazon, the Machiguenga would leave you weak ones out on the hillside to die.

Excess amid the economic carnage: A Manhattan champagne brunch

"A 29-year-old man who works for a large investment management firm and was at Bagatelle’s brunch one recent Saturday and at Merkato 55’s the next, put it another way: “If you’d asked me in October, I’d say it’d be a different situation, and I don’t think I’d be here. Then the government gave us $10 billion.”

The lesson: No matter what the Dow is doing, some people will always make sure they're on top. And they really don't care if you end up in a tent city. Actually they'd rather not trip over you on the way to mimosas. So quit bitching and clip those coupons, sheeple.

And that is the power of Poverty Porn.

Nothing says "morning" like a dose of sanctimonious youth...

2009-02-24T08:28:00.007-05:00

I love my morning WAMU - and what's not to like about a station with the dulcet tones of Kojo Nnnnnnaaaammmadi.

But every so often the station brings in the teen beat and it all goes to hell.

Today it was a high school cub reporter, intoning her wisdom from the peaks of teen suburban experience. Her observation of the day:

American adults spend beyond their means.

(no kidding, Sherlock)

Her generation has noticed this. And their judgment is fierce.

After bragging about her part-time job at the sports apparel store, the earnings from which she uses to pay her own gas, she told a tragic tale: a customer came in to buy a pair of running shoes. And his credit card was rejected! "He couldn't even afford to buy a pair of shoes!"

(in the customer's defense, specialty running shoes CAN get pretty expensive)

"I might not know much about the financial responsibilities my parents have..."

(yes, like the roof over your head, the health insurance that keeps you in Retin-A and Ritalin, the organic food on your table and your school fees and tuition)

"but I do know that the middle class seems to be in trouble."

(What about the poor? Oh, they've always been in trouble. Poor life choices. I learned about that in social studies class.)

However, like all ground-breaking journalism, this piece inspired questions, such as:

- Where was all this self-righteous outrage when the adult overspending was directed towards stuff for her?

Boom chicka chicka boom

2009-02-14T10:42:00.002-05:00

In honor of this month of love, the National Zoo brought Shama the female red panda a Valentine's treat - a handsome mate from New Jersey, Tate Soprano. (He fell off the back of a truck, according to Zoo officials.)

Here they meet cute and exhibit "breeding behavior".

Watch in particular the spectator in the knitted Peruvian hat, shooting footage for pay-per-view.

The Westminster Dog Show is covered by ESPN ..

2009-02-09T21:52:00.005-05:00

...and other reasons I love my TV.

(in honor of digital conversion's move from February to July).

- Morning Joe: Joe and the lovely Mika banter as Willie hovers eerily over the shoulder of Wonk du Jour - what's not to like?

- Intervention: Is it wrong for me to enjoy a beer while watching?

- No Reservations with Anthony Bourdain: Snarky when appropriate, respectful when appropriate, and way too knowledgeable of his 1970s "cinema"

- The Weather Channel: Oddly mesmerizing

- Russia Today: As advertised on Metro

- Montgomery Cable TV: Will soon complete Montgomery County's "First ALL DIGITAL, ALL VIRTUAL Studio." Yes, life soon will be complete.

E True Hollywood Story: Some have Ken Burns. Others have "Secret Lives of Rock Star Wives"

So not into this movie...

2009-02-03T19:42:00.009-05:00

On so, so very many levels...

1. How can any film starring Scarlett Johansson possibly be titled, "He's Just Not That Into You"? Is there a heterosexual male alive who does not visibly salivate at the "Lost in Translation" opening credits?

2. And those immune to Scarlett Fever drool over Drew Barrymore, another sad and undesirable spinster featured in this film.

3. Jennifer Connelly - you have an Oscar. You're married to Paul Bettany. What were you thinking?

4. And you, Jennifer Aniston. Angelina plays Lara Croft and Marianne Pearl. You play characters who whine. Time to have a sit-down with your agent, I think, and get him/her to find you some more movies like "Office Space" and "Friends With Money."

5. Yes, Ginnifer Godwin, the "Big Love" compound is looking pretty cheerful and progressive in comparison.

6. Self-help books aren't meant to be made into movies. For starters: they lack plots, story arcs, denouements, dialogue - little things like that. What next - chicken soup for the straight-to-cable soul?

7. Not only does the website spout Lilith Faire musak, there's a "Date Decoder" on it. Spin a wheel and you match what he says ("Let's do your place") with what he means ("I don't want my friends to see you.") It's like Vegas, only with self-loathing instead of a bucket of quarters as your reward.

8. "If you ever sat by the phone wondering why he said he would call but didn't, this film is for you." Translation: We may find you pathetic, but you have $12 in your pocket, and we want it.

9. Opening right before Valentine's Day. That's like playing "Wall Street" at Lehman Brothers while all the traders are packing up their desks.

10. Apparently this movie may pave the way for another "feel good" flick, "French Women Don't Get Fat." A whole movie about cutting carbs and feeling inferior. Yay.

Not surprisingly, the lady bloggers at Jezebel have some tart words:

"Here's my message to everyone who says "eh, I'm going to see it anyway." Every ticket you buy is a ballot, and you are voting for the kinds of movies you want to see more of. Hollywood is not a democracy, but it does follow a money trail. When you go see shitty chick flicks, you are giving Hollywood the green light to make more shitty chick flicks."

The Michael Phelps stimulus package

2009-02-02T22:14:00.002-05:00

When a guy who eats 12,000 calories a day partakes of the kind bud, many sectors of the economy are bound to benefit:

- The Doritos sector
- The Taco Bell sector
- The Denny's sector
- The Gatorade sector
- The pasta sector
- The Papa John's sector

Not only that, this multi-millionaire athelete's habits are supporting agriculture, journalism and certain segments of the entertainment industry.

So smoke up, fish boy. America needs you.

Buck up, snowflakes

2009-01-29T06:30:00.010-05:00

Thank you, Mr. President, Malia and Sasha,* for pointing out the obvious.

These snow closures have puzzled me for years. As a child, visiting relatives from a region that regularly claims the lowest temperatures in the U.S., I would listen to the Chesapeake area morning news shows in disbelief.

Snow? What snow? You can still see the asphalt.

It's January. This is not Jamaica. Snow and ice is a surprise somehow?

Do DC children ever attend school in the winter? I think it's a conspiracy between the weathermen and the child-care providers.

Later on, I spied this WSJ article about parents paying money to give their children the opportunity to be an intern.

No, no, no, no....that's not how it works. First of all, in America, the job pays you.

Not only do some parents pay good money to these ingenious companies to get the kids out of the house from 9-5, they fork out thousands to mount the equivalent of a marketing/PR campaign - with direct mail, writing, editing, strategic consulting, everything but the trade show booth with the booth babes and free branded golf balls. Because raising your kid = product development.

It may be tempting for teens to want to delegate the drudgery of a job search - searching for a job is hard work, after all. It may be tempting for parents to fear eternal living-in-the-basement slackerdom and cocktail-party humiliation, and hire a consultant to market "the brand called Snowflake" like the next ShamWow.

But perhaps this new era in America will be defined by flinty toughness instead. As one interview subject in the story put it:

"The type of students corporate America wants are the students who can find their own internships," says Claudia Tattanelli, CEO of Universum North America, Philadelphia, which consults with employers on recruiting.

* Though not mentioned in the article, likely Michelle was pointing out the window shaking her head with a "WTF" as well.

Apparently something important is going on in town today...

2009-01-20T07:22:00.002-05:00

From "yes, pecan" to a stimulus, um, package...

2009-01-19T17:08:00.004-05:00

The overall retail economy might be flagging; however, sales flourish for inauguration schwag...in all of its glory.

This includes Obama:
- Nesting dolls
- Lip gloss
- Votive candles
- Toilet paper
- Other items I can't directly mention here that many would find audacious (yet others, hopeful)

Capitalism = the mother of invention indeed.

American Idol

2009-01-15T13:29:00.000-05:00

To the best of my knowledge, he doesn't:

- Levitate, or move small objects with his mind
- See into the future
- Garner a mention in Nostradamus' predictions (even those "2012" ones)
- Turn water to wine

So let the man take some time off. to take care of his health. Apple will be just fine.

Egregious lapses in recession etiquette

2009-01-14T17:57:00.010-05:00

A call recently went out on a Northwest neighborhood listserv for an "affordable hair dresser." These being recessionary times, a recommendation came through in the $80 range (highlights and blow-outs extra, I presume)

Sweet Jesus, have you people ever heard of the Hair Cuttery? *

(If it's good enough for this millionaire...}

Previously, the lifestyles of Diddy, Rachel Zoe and Gwyneth Paltrow's much-maligned (but beautifully designed) GOOP blog were considered aspirational, worthy of awe. In fact, $10 million wasn't even enough to get oneself considered rich.

As a refresher from this seemingly distant past, the trappings of such a life often included:
- Umbrella-carting manservants and Mandarin-speaking nannies
- Kids who'd never flown commercial
- $42,000 limited-edition designer handbags (one buyer, who wisely chose to remain anonymous, allegedly lives in the Washington area)

Because things have changed, Toby Young helpfully provides advice about proletarian attractions such as "the subway" and "diners."

The moral of the story: If you actually do have bling left in your bank (and that bank isn't in need of a bailout), it's in good taste to keep quiet about your prolific spending - even (or especially) if you're trying to communicate commiseration and kinship with the masses.

Examples of statements to whisper, not shout:

- "The vacation home is such a hassle to maintain - you're so lucky you don't have one."
- "We're tightening our belts and eating in more. The cashiers at Whole Foods are starting to know me by name."
- "We've had to limit our children's iStore purchases. It's been hard, but they need to realize that money doesn't grow on trees."
- "I'm learning how to iron my shirts myself."
- "So hard to find a good housekeeper these days - don't you think?" (Actually, no - you might get management consulting expertise with the clean floors these days.)

Rule of thumb: If you feel like hesitating a bit before making a consumption-related statement, think first. Ask: "Will this make me sound like a tool?" (Chances are, the answer's yes.) And please Gwyneth, for the future of your acting career (and you are a damn good actress), please don't even attempt the "recession chic Balenciaga casualwear" blog post.

* Note: In all fairness, the criteria were later modified to "$50 and under."

Is This Really Necessary: Coal

2009-01-13T22:22:00.001-05:00

On one hand, coal heats up houses and fires up factories. (And somebody's got to pick up the slack while we get all the wind farms up and running.) It provides jobs, often well paying. I personally know decent, intelligent people who work for coal and mining companies.

On the other hand, there's black lung, decimated mountain ranges, the soot that wracked my sinuses in Beijing...

Not to mention this aesthetic pollution.

(do the carolers look like cartoon cut-outs of poo bred with the singing Quiznos rats, or is it just me?)

Is This Really Necessary?

2009-01-12T21:49:00.002-05:00

2008 was the brillo pad that scoured away preconceived notions of how the world should work.

Swindled pensions, plummeting home values, mass layoffs, the fresh memories of $4 gas make one question the things Americans have traditionally envied, strove for and worshipped. Just a few examples:

- Cheap consumer goods and lots of them, designed under a business plan of planned obsolesence
- The American dream of "owning" a 8,000-square-foot home with no money down
- Driving everywhere, one to a vehicle
- Lush green golf courses in the deserts of Arizona (truly, WTF?)

Stuff that made one wonder...

Is This Really Necessary?

While living overseas in less developed countries, the contents of two small suitcases and shelter of a small non-air conditioned room served me very well for nearly a year. The people around me reused margarine tins, traveled by crowded buses and cooked over propane stoves - yet seemed far happier than some of the people I've seen in Washington's wealthiest neighborhoods.

Then I started to trade US Weekly on the treadmill for the Economist and notice the risks, vulnerabilities and repercussions related to the accumulation and redistribution of this wealth. Oil, CMOs, Bernie Madoff's ponzi scheme... As we speak, China owns a big chunk of the U.S. economy and Ukraine is holding much of Europe's natural gas hostage in contract dispute. Meanwhile a pile of garbage twice the size of Texas is floating somewhere in the Pacific Ocean.

A bit weird, a bit scary. And these observations began even before I started watching "Armageddon Week" on the History Channel.

Obviously a lot of things ARE necessary...

...the infamous CHANGE being foremost. Our new fearless leader, The Honorable Mr. Barry O, has got his work cut out for him. The Oprahs, Bonos and big corporations of the world have gotten onto the bandwagon - sone genuinely, others disingenuously.

But I digress...

In honor of a new year in a weird world...frivolity, travelogues and gratuitous bobblehead imagery will be joined by this new feature of regular observations and rants. "Is this really necessary?" - a new series of intermittant posts. Stay tuned...

Ballston delight

2009-01-08T06:30:00.002-05:00

Much like the magic closet of "The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe," the top levels of the Ballston Mall yields access to a different world.

Beyond Claire's Bellyring Emporium, Monograms 'R' Us and Panda Express' amazing technicolor sweet 'n' sour sauce lurks...

The Kettler Capitals Iceplex

Where else can one see professional athletes so close up that you can feel the breeze from Nicklas Backstrom's flowing locks?

Where little girls in tutus stride the halls alongside the bad-ass brick wall that is Donald Brashear?

Or, outside, play Match-The-Vehicle-With-Its-Owner - Mike Green = Lamborghini...but who drives the Prius, or the Caddy with the red bow on the grill?

You'll join schoolkids pounding on the glass windows, chain-smoking Russians (not the players, the friends and family) and ladies wearing jackets of a suspiciously, ahem, cougaresque pelt.

Yes, Ballston Mall. It's not all Yankee Candle Co. and cell phone kiosks.

The new pleasures of the flesh?

2009-01-07T12:49:00.012-05:00

I understand the concept of "food porn." Watching Jose Andres lovingly crush a tomato into artisanal bread, Anthony Bourdain tuck into third-world street barbecue, Lidia knead cookie dough with her adorable grandkids - these all are enjoyable experiences. Celebrations of life, even.

But weight-loss porn?

From The Biggest Loser to "The Half-Ton Mom" to Oprah and other celebrities' "brave journeys," the American obsession boggles me.

On any given show, you'll witness:

- Participants with captions of their record-high weights. Is the "276" really necessary? We get the point.

- A tearful "come to Jesus" moment: "How did I let myself go so far?"

- Gratuitous, profoundly unflattering sweatpants shots from behind

- The "it's all about health" disclaimer (of course it is, never "how I look in a bikini" or "finally shaking off the contempt of those around me") Dramatic VO: "She's in a battle for her life!"

- Graphic scenes of denial: "I love you, french fries" a contestant on Diet Tribe whispered mournfully to the camera in a tone normally reserved for a partner in a holiday tryst.

- A gasp-inducing panorama of an average day's meals.

- Prolonged footage of participants wheezing, sweating and sobbing through the first workout

- At some point the trainer yells. "You're not giving your all! You're disappointing the team!" (Please, if we're not on ESPN, can we ban sports analogies from the motivational vernacular?)

- The concept of portion control is invoked, usually by a health professional through pursed lips

- So is the word "choices." Do a drinking game with that one (bad choices, healthy choices, better choices, etc.) and you're sure to be legally dead by the end of the episode.

- And ultimately, by season's end...triumph (plus makeup and styling). With flat abs and a tight bum, the world truly is one's oyster.

Why is this on TV?

There's something about these shows that strike me as a bit cruel and not-quite-right. No one - absolutely no one - enjoys struggling with weight issues and going on a diet. It's a private thing, it's a personal thing and - without the contrived, circus-like atmosphere of socially sanctioned humiliation - it's a bit of a monotonous thing. So why do we take a perverse pleasure in watching others?

Cinema Ho digresses: "Quantum of Solace"

2009-01-06T10:36:00.001-05:00

'tis the season when the studios unleash the floodgates, releasing their best work. Add in lazy holiday vacation time and you get...a long promiscious weekend at the Landmark Cinema.

Quantum of Solace

What? This was released a long time ago! Why is this film still in theaters?

Because Daniel Craig is a beautiful man. That's why.

James Bond movies should be to theaters like Law and Order episodes are to TV: One should always be playing at any time of the day.

(coolest website ever: www.007.com".)

Craving more film commentary? Check out The Reader, Doubt, The Wrestler, I've Loved You So Long, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Slumdog Millionaire and Rachel Getting Married.

Cinema Ho digresses: "Rachel Getting Married"

2009-01-05T18:30:00.000-05:00

'tis the season when the studios unleash the floodgates, releasing their best work. Add in lazy holiday vacation time and you get...a long promiscious weekend at the Landmark Cinema.

Like attending a real wedding, only less booze, more awkwardness...it's

Rachel Getting Married

There are 10 good reasons to enjoy this film:

10. Anne Hathaway shows her dark side.
9. Debra Winger returns.
8. Carrie Fisher-style rehab humor.
7. Is that Anna Deveare Smith?
6. An interracial romance with not an eyebrow raised.
5. The absence of any campy wedding planner.
4. Saris for the non-Indian bridesmaids? Why the hell not?
3. Belly dancers after the ceremony? Bring them on!
2. Wedding toasts that bypass the brain/mouth filter - e.g. "May all of your ups and downs be in the bedroom."
1. Robyn Hitchcock plays the reception. (How cool is that?)

Craving more film commentary? Check out The Reader, Doubt, The Wrestler, I've Loved You So Long, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Slumdog Millionaire.

Cinema Ho digresses: "Slumdog Millionaire"

2009-01-04T11:08:00.000-05:00

'tis the season when the studios unleash the floodgates, releasing their best work. Add in lazy holiday vacation time and you get...a long promiscious weekend at the Landmark Cinema.

Cinema Ho's butt is sore from so much sitting. She considers outsourcing her viewing to "Joe, your helpful representative" in Bangalore. But she's glad she reconsiders, because she enjoys one of the best movies of the year.

Slumdog Millionaire

When people inexplicably break into song and dance in an American movie, the word to describe it is "annoying."

When they do so in Slumdog Millionaire (wait for it, it happens), the word to describe it is "fun."

On a related note, enjoy the top 10 Bollywood videos here.

Craving more film commentary? Check out The Reader, Doubt, The Wrestler, I've Loved You So Long and The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.

Last photos of 2008...

2009-01-02T11:40:00.004-05:00

Cinema Ho digresses: "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"

2009-01-02T07:38:00.000-05:00

'tis the season when the studios unleash the floodgates, releasing their best work. Add in lazy holiday vacation time and you get...a long promiscious weekend at the Landmark Cinema.

Tuck into the Milk Duds, the industrial-strength, trough-sized soda, the comfy seat with leg room. It's time for...

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Three hours - damn! Warren Beatty gave us an intermission for "Reds" - where's the mercy here?

But I digress. This well-done and thought-provoking movie made Cinema Ho curious indeed, starting with:

- Why not more ribald humor? (We're in New Orleans, for God's sake.) In particular, I'm thinking that the final love scene before Brad Pitt passes into childhood should have been prefaced with Cate Blanchett imploring: "Take me now, Abercrombie & Fitch boy - before our love becomes a Springer episode!"

- Ms. Blanchett and Tilda Swinton look a bit alike, no?

- Why all the negative kvetching about the Hurricane Katrina tie-in? At first, yes, that plot device seemed gratuitous, but tell me that the final image of the flood waters didn't move you and tie in beautifully with the central premise of all things being fleeting.

Craving more film commentary? Check out The Reader, Doubt, The Wrestler and I've Loved You So Long.

Cinema Ho digresses: "I've Loved You So Long"

2008-12-31T03:18:00.003-05:00

'tis the season when the studios unleash the floodgates, releasing their best work. Add in lazy holiday vacation time and you get...a long promiscious weekend at the Landmark Cinema.

Time for a bit of sophistication, class and subtitles. Time for a trip to France.

I've Loved You So Long

This is an amazing film from a first-time director. The acting and storytelling will blow you away. If you do not weep during this movie, you are not human.

But you can read this in other reviews.

What Cinema Ho wants to discuss is: What makes French* people so stylish?

The main character gets out of prison, wears no makeup, uses no discernable hair product, tosses on clothing with no obvious regard for fashion and makes one think: Where can I get that fabulous brown trench coat? Or those ankle-strapped shoes?

Her sister runs around in the same jeans skirt, cardigan and ballet flats half the movie and looks like she stepped off the pages of Vogue.

Each woman has more style in her little finger than all of the "Real Housewives" combined.

And the cafes...oh, the cafes. Instead of discounted travel mugs and seasonally dressed stuffed bears in the background, these characters sit and discourse among gleaming wood paneling and expansive views of picaresque streets.

Wrenching tragedy never looked better.

* Kristin Scott Thomas is considered honorary French, as she acts flawlessly and fluently in her non-native language here.

Craving more film commentary? Check out The Reader, Doubt and The Wrestler.

Cinema Ho digresses: "The Wrestler"

2008-12-29T17:08:00.000-05:00

'tis the season when the studios unleash the floodgates, releasing their best work. Add in lazy holiday vacation time and you get...a long promiscious weekend at the Landmark Cinema.

Cinema Ho has fond memories of Mickey Rourke from Angel Heart and 9 1/2 Weeks. So she stumbles into The Wrestler...

Dear God there's a staple gun!

Where's a tasteful, understated chicken-strangling voodoo scene when you need it?

Craving more film commentary? Check out The Reader and Doubt.

Cinema Ho digresses: "Doubt"

2008-12-29T02:55:00.000-05:00

'tis the season when the studios unleash the floodgates, releasing their best work. Add in lazy holiday vacation time and you get...a long promiscious weekend at the Landmark Cinema.

Cinema Ho cannot resist the lure of more popcorn, and continues with...

Doubt

Some see it as commentary on blind faith, more timely than ever in this "trust us about the WMDs" era. Others see it as a critique on the patriarchy of major religions. Of course, it's also a not-so-veiled allusion to the Catholic Church's recent altar-boy scandals.

For me as well, Doubt provoked thought and raised questions. A few follow:

- Why can the priests booze it up while the nuns have to drink milk? (no wonder many of them are cranky)

- Why plaid as the official fabric pattern of the Catholic school uniform? Why not stripes, herringbone, a tasteful polkadot?

- Why are long fingernails attractive on women yet skeevy on a man (particularly a man of the cloth)?

- Where'd Meryl Streep get the Queens accent?

- Why do I always erroneously refer to this movie as "Proof" instead - when there's not a troubled math genius in sight?

Craving more film commentary? Check out The Reader.

Cinema Ho digresses: "The Reader"

2008-12-28T09:31:00.005-05:00

'tis the season when the studios unleash the floodgates, releasing their best work. Add in lazy holiday vacation time and you get...a long promiscious weekend at the Landmark Cinema.

Encapsulated here for your reading pleasure, Cinema Ho begins with...

The Reader

Kate Winslet shucks her clothes and taunts Oscar, Ralph Fiennes plays his usual sexy, aloof and well-dressed beast, moral complexities are raised, blah blah blah. You can read the reviews here.

But what I want to talk about is the CNN Reader Sweepstakes

"Tell us the story for your first love and you could win a trip to New York City. Was it fleeting or forever?"

Did CNN actually read this book or watch this movie?

If so, what part of "gestapo," "unspeakable crimes" and "borderline inappropriate age difference" translated into "romantic sweepstakes" for these guys?

Tell us about your first love. Was it fleeting, forever, or...traumatizing?

Did it leave you forever emotionally crippled and unable to forge meaningful relationships (despite your tailored suits and stylish Berlin loft?)

Did it result in a trial of Nuremburg-esque proportions?

Is there a prison involved? How about genocide?

Yes, you say? Well, send us your tale, young Nietzche...and welcome to Times Square!

Happy Holidays!

2008-12-25T08:11:00.000-05:00

Southern Comfort Food

2008-12-17T22:33:00.005-05:00

What do you get when you put catfish on a panini?

Lunch in a college town in the Deep South. And a very good lunch indeed.

Faulkner, meet the Food Network.

What do you get when you heap pulled pork onto a stack of nachos?

Memphis airport cuisine.

A little less yum.

What do you get when you ask for a beverage?

Sweet tea, baby - sweeeeeet tea.

The South will rise again

2008-12-09T20:40:00.016-05:00

When going out of town for the day, Washingtonians' will usually hone their GPS systems in on the following locations:

- NYC to get their culture on
- Charlottesville to get their crunchy/prepness on - OMG, Dave Matthews used to live there!
- Annapolis to ogle sailors
- Baltimore to sport their thrift-shop lunch boxes and/or Ravens jerseys
- Philly because they know people up there
- Jersey same reason
- Outer Banks to procure an "OBX" bumper sticker for the Volvo
- Williamsburg Dudes in knickers. And tri-corner hats.

One reply I almost never hear: Richmond.

I always wondered why. Why is Richmond seemingly the least-appreciated state capital this side of Pierre, SD?

{ed. note - technically, that would be "commonwealth capitol."}

Today I actually got to drive around a bit and see a bit of Richmond. And what I saw perplexed me even more. Because what I saw was cool.

- The Jefferson Hotel. Open the door to step into an endless foyer of Christmas lights, holly, grace and gentility. But first stand up straight, fix up your hair and makeup and ask yourself, Are you classy enough for the Jefferson today? Really?

- "Uptown/downtown" - That's the nickname a local gave me for the neighborhood around Broad and Grace streets with great old vintage buildings and signage

- The funky shops by Virginia Commonwealth University - These include the Tea Co. coffee and tea house, a Caribbean restaurant, another storefront indicating Ghana something or other (here I was gawking from the road with other cars blocking my view), plus perhaps the world's largest Barnes & Noble

In short, what I saw was enough to tantalize for a second visit and further investigation.

Next post: Whither Wilmington?

How can any American child not know what Wal-Mart looks like?

2008-12-05T11:18:00.002-05:00

Emilie, the young daughter of NY Times columnist Judith Warner, rightfully and intelligently wondered why crazed shoppers trampled a Wal-Mart store greeter to death over the Thanksgiving holiday.

But this was only one of many questions, her mother noted in an article that muddied up a good subject (how – and how much – should kids learn about the world’s evils) with some unfortunate socioeconomic cluelessness.

“What does Wal-Mart look like?” she asked me on Wednesday, searching for clues in the storefronts of Northwest Washington.

Gucci – check. Saks - check. Wal-Mart? Hmmmm….

“A great big store, with groceries and clothing and auto supplies, and electronics,” I said.

But nothing we’d ever buy, honey.

“So it’s like Best Buy,” she said, as we drove past Best Buy.

“Not quite like Best Buy.”

It’s a store for POOR people, snowflake.

“Is it near here?”

God no. (Thank you, zoning board.)

“There’s no Wal-Mart near here,” I said. “That store was on Long Island.”

“Oh!” she gave a great sigh of relief. “That’s really far away.”

You cannot tell me that, not once in her life, was Judith Warner tempted by a $30 DVD player, a $4.88 collander or bargain-priced six-packs of panties or tube socks.

But apparently so. Because there are places where she and her family shops. And then there are stores for those other people. And that’s the problem - two kinds of America.

Two kinds of schools (for most urban areas, this would be “private” vs. “craptastic”). Two levels of health care (“obsessively medicated” vs. “non-existent”). And two levels of shopping: pretty upscale shopping centres vs. stampede-prone bargain fests that are “really far away indeed.”

John Edwards may have been fudging a bit in the “Don’t worry, Liz, Rielle and I are just shooting a campaign video” department. But I think he was on to something with his “two Americas.”

When a columnist for a leading U.S. newspaper has only hearsay experience with a store where the majority of Americans have shopped at one time or another – that concept seems rather prescient.

What the vacuum tube hath wrought...

2008-11-23T20:17:00.002-05:00

If the original creators of the television only knew what their ingenuity unleashed upon the airwaves...

...would there be a massive THUMP of rolling-in-the-grave?

You be the judge - and guess which among Sunday night's line-up is NOT a real show:

Discovery Health Channel:
a. Pregnant for 46 Years
b. Pregnant Man
c. I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant
d. Extreme Epidurals

The Learning Channel:
a. Girl Who Never Grew
b. World's Smallest People
c. Joined for Life - Abby and Britney
d. One Head, Two Faces

Animal Planet:
a. Untamed and Uncut
b. Whale Wars
c. Weird, True and Freaky
d. Weirder, Truer and Freakier

I am David Brooks...

2008-11-18T13:15:00.001-05:00

…and you will rip my latte from my cold, dead hand.

Today the thought-provoking columnist (no sarcasm intended – I like his op-eds) wrote about the former middle class.

Back in August, I wrote about this very same subject, “I Can’t Be Poor, I Have a Master’s Degree,” kvetching about my “lifestyle reversal” as a grad school refugee in the last recession, the “self doubt” that came from three months of people asking if I’d gotten a job yet, and the “drop in social capital” that happens when you can’t afford sports tickets, expensive restaurants or marquee concerts like a good little yuppie.

What will the former middle class face in this recession?

“They will suffer lifestyle reversals. Over the past decade, millions of Americans have had unprecedented access to affordable luxuries, thanks to brands like Coach, Whole Foods, Tiffany and Starbucks. These indulgences were signs of upward mobility. But these affordable luxuries will no longer be so affordable. Suddenly, the door to the land of the upscale will slam shut for millions of Americans.”

Nooooo!!!!!

“The members of the formerly middle class will suffer housing reversals. The current mortgage crisis is having its most concentrated effect on people on the lowest rungs of middle-class life — people who live in fast-growing exurbs in Florida and Nevada that are now rife with foreclosures; people who just moved out of their urban neighborhoods and made it to modest, older suburbs in California and Michigan. Suddenly, the home of one’s own is gone, and it’s back to the apartment complex. “

The horror!!!!!

Then I read articles like this and realize that “hard times” are relative.

“If you want to know where the next big social movements will come from, I’d say the formerly middle class.”

Nah – I’ll be jacking up my credit card at Pottery Barn, thank you very much.

The biggest booty ever

2008-11-18T07:27:00.003-05:00

Arrrggghhh indeed.

Despite the risks, pirating has its rewards. Note the description of this pirate wedding:

"(it) lasted two days, with nonstop dancing and goat meat."

Booty, goat meat - what's not to like?

And now you don't have to go all the way to Somalia to enjoy that shivver-me-timbers goodness. No, you just need to go to Silver Spring to get your scurvy on.

We are blessed here in Montgomery County.

A vice-presidential overshare...

2008-11-10T21:56:00.007-05:00

Embedded (heh heh) in an otherwise mundane article about everyday life and security protocols in the White House, I stumbled across the following three rather startling paragraphs:

At one time, the President and Vice-President were given three-inch-high models of the Washington Monument * to put beside their beds. They had simply to knock them over to summon the guards.

But the models were abandoned after Vice-President Dan Quayle - noted for being clumsy - knocked his over late one night while making love to his wife.

In seconds, the door burst open, the lights went on and Mrs Quayle was thrown out of bed to the floor as bodyguards flocked around her husband to ensure his safety.

Boom chicka-chick-a wah wah...

With this mental image seared in your brain, please resume your normal daily activities.

* For those of you unfamiliar with U.S. landmarks, the Washington Monument:

Now that we've got change...

2008-11-05T20:57:00.002-05:00

..what will Olberman et. al. blabber on about?

1. What's for dinner (beef?)
2. The heartbreak of GERD
3. The exquisite sexual tension between Nate Archibald and Dan Humphreys on Gossip Girl
4. White after Labor Day - pros and cons
5. Creed vs. Nickelback

Soon those pesky yard signs and robocalls will be moot...

2008-11-03T09:31:00.003-05:00

Get your voter IDs, beer and standing-in-line reading material ready...

Photos taken at Bone Jour in Bethesda, MD.

Women, power and diplomacy

2008-10-31T12:36:00.003-04:00

Sarah, Katie, Tina, Rachel, et.al. may be dominating the TV screen lately. But Lauren Zalaznick behind the camera has determined a lot of the non-political stuff we’ve been watching lately.

Within this fascinating profile, an excerpt on how she handled a somewhat awkward situation:

In 2000, when Zalaznick was still working at VH1, she and Bailey and Randy Barbato had a public contretemps that many thought would sever their collaboration. Barbato accidentally sent Zalaznick an e-mail message that he intended for Bailey. In the e-mail, he complained that Zalaznick was trying to get rid of their writers’ credits and suggested she was controlling and overcritical of him. Most infamous, he referred to her using a crude epithet, probably the crudest one reserved for women.

Zalaznick’s response was telling. She neither laughed it off nor fired anyone. Instead, a few weeks later, she wrote an essay about the experience and published it on a literary Web site called Open Letters. The essay is a thoughtful, brutally honest meditation on the expectations of a woman in power. “I’m probably regarded as being tough, fairly hardhearted, outspoken,” she wrote. “I am occasionally criticized for digging in and being less accommodating to other people’s ideas and criticisms than I ‘should be.’ But this is a weird sort of (double) standard to be held to, especially in a ‘creative’ job where passions are usually what get ideas heard.”

She didn’t soften any of the rough edges of the experience. She didn’t even try to soften her own edges. Explaining her reasoning about whether to sever the relationship, she wrote, “In the end in this business, it’s all a matter of who needs who the most.” You can only give someone the kiss-off for good, she went on, “if you really, truly, never need that person again, and you can never really be certain of that. One Emmy Award and we’d be begging to be back in business with them.”

Bwahhhahahahahhh!

2008-10-31T09:29:00.000-04:00

Happy Halloween!