Tuesday, February 03, 2009

So not into this movie...

On so, so very many levels...

1. How can any film starring Scarlett Johansson possibly be titled, "He's Just Not That Into You"? Is there a heterosexual male alive who does not visibly salivate at the "Lost in Translation" opening credits?

2. And those immune to Scarlett Fever drool over Drew Barrymore, another sad and undesirable spinster featured in this film.

3. Jennifer Connelly - you have an Oscar. You're married to Paul Bettany. What were you thinking?

4. And you, Jennifer Aniston. Angelina plays Lara Croft and Marianne Pearl. You play characters who whine. Time to have a sit-down with your agent, I think, and get him/her to find you some more movies like "Office Space" and "Friends With Money."

5. Yes, Ginnifer Godwin, the "Big Love" compound is looking pretty cheerful and progressive in comparison.

6. Self-help books aren't meant to be made into movies. For starters: they lack plots, story arcs, denouements, dialogue - little things like that. What next - chicken soup for the straight-to-cable soul?

7. Not only does the website spout Lilith Faire musak, there's a "Date Decoder" on it. Spin a wheel and you match what he says ("Let's do your place") with what he means ("I don't want my friends to see you.") It's like Vegas, only with self-loathing instead of a bucket of quarters as your reward.

8. "If you ever sat by the phone wondering why he said he would call but didn't, this film is for you." Translation: We may find you pathetic, but you have $12 in your pocket, and we want it.

9. Opening right before Valentine's Day. That's like playing "Wall Street" at Lehman Brothers while all the traders are packing up their desks.

10. Apparently this movie may pave the way for another "feel good" flick, "French Women Don't Get Fat." A whole movie about cutting carbs and feeling inferior. Yay.

Not surprisingly, the lady bloggers at Jezebel have some tart words:

"Here's my message to everyone who says "eh, I'm going to see it anyway." Every ticket you buy is a ballot, and you are voting for the kinds of movies you want to see more of. Hollywood is not a democracy, but it does follow a money trail. When you go see shitty chick flicks, you are giving Hollywood the green light to make more shitty chick flicks."


At 1:22 PM, Anonymous WashWords said...

ha ha ha. love your take even though... blush, I'm probably still gonna see it. glutton for punishment? yah. and my man is willing! plus that concept was actually pretty amusing and helpful to me in the dark dating days (which I'm finallllly starting to write about on my blog!)

Long time no see I'll try to be back more often!


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