8 Habits of Highly Effective Bon-Bon Eaters

It's a busy life - between posing my bobbleheads in compromising positions and twitting out haiku in honor of "Jon and Kate Plus Hate," I keep a schedule that would frazzle a lesser mortal.

Many ask, how do you do it?

It's called efficiency, people - making time, as they say in the prison population, your bitch. Read on and learn from me, young Padawans.

1. I keep several calendars. The majority of these are from 2004 and have pretty pictures.

2. To absorb information when I'm on the go, I use a novel RSS feeder known as "my eyes."

3. For many years, I did not have cable TV. Then I realized I had become a pompous ass.

4. Multitasking, part one. I Twitter while on the toilet. This way I can overshare in many ways.

5. Multitasking, part deux. When I work out, I enrich my mind by consuming multiple streams of media. This week's playlist: History Channel's "Armageddon Week," the expose on the Indonesian Tree Man and "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant."

6. Learning, an ongoing process, should not stop when you are away from Comcast or Al Gore's magical invention. That's why I maximize every moment absorbing knowledge - even in line at the supermarket.* With practice, you can skim the Holy Trifecta (Star, InTouch, OK!) between unloading the basket and swiping your debit card.

* Did you know that Michael Jackson's younger child is named "Blanket"? No? Now you do. You may thank me later. (On a related note - WTF?)

7. Apps - or, rather, iApps. God, I love them. They not only keep me organized, they make me feel closer to Steve Jobs (who sadly rejected both my offer of a liver and my offer to *service* him during his recovery).

8. Email management. Unless you are forwarding me photos of fuzzy red pandas or are the Vice President of Nigeria offering me $700,000 to put money into your account, your message is deleted after my first read. Seriously.