Giving thanks for chewing gum

Usually I hate the stuff. Loud chomping is among my pet peeves. Why? I wonder on the Metro when I'm inevitably surrounded by riders gnashing their molars and reveling in winterfresh flavor. Just eat something if you want to chew, I'd think. (Oh yeah, I'd then realize, the $100 fine for consuming food on the Metro.)

But I digress. In any case, I scorned gum.

Until the flight to Miami, that is...

In the airplane bathroom, I took off my eyeglasses to wash my face. The lens popped out! The good news: it did not shatter. The bad news: I was on my way to a connection to Rio De Janeiro and a 7-day vacation in South America.

Do I use the 8-hour layover in Miami to get a taxi and track down a Home Depot or 7-11? Would Crazee Glue work or would I need something specialized? I weighed these options as we flew over Georgia, clutching the lens in my palm.

Then I remembered US Weekly.

Thankfully I read such trash (in between issues of The Economist, of course, as a sorbet to cleanse the mental palate). Just a few weeks before Angelina Jolie had split the back of her leather pants en route to a premiere. Intrepidly, she and Brad Pitt had patched her up with a piece of chewed-up Wrigley's.

Those were very tight leather pants, I recalled from the photo, and figured this gum thing might work for my glasses, even without the aid of Mr. Pitt's expert hand. Upon release at the gate, I ran to the nearest kiosk, bought a few varieties of gum and found a secluded but well-lit corner of the airport to chew and paste away.

Thank you, US Weekly. Thank you, Angelina. Thank you, Wrigleys and the forest trees of Brazil.

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