Tuesday, January 08, 2008

No need for a head (but in desperate need of a drink)

From backroom gins and tonics to wine fundraisers to happy hour specials, DC is a drinkin' town. One reader of this blog can no longer drink - not due to any glamorous Lindsay Lohan stint in rehab but because the medication she takes for a mundane medical condition does not mix with alcohol.

Despite the money saved and hangovers averted, this, frankly, has been a bit awkward at times. Not to mention frustrating. Specifically, she cites three dilemmas:

I. How can she kick back and relax after a long day without a little tipple?

II. How does she hoist a Shirley Temple at professional networking functions without having to explain her entire medical history?

III. How does she meet guys without the social (ahem) lubrication of alcohol?

Some answers...(more suggestions welcome)

I. Liquor isn't the only way to relax. What about pot? Mindless consumer consumption? Kicking small animals? {ed note: that's mean}

II. Well, of course with a Shirley Temple you will get mocked. Why not divert your colleagues' attention instead with a story that will leave their jaws dropping? Like your love affair with lady heroin, your sexual addiction, or how you embraced the plushie lifestyle. {ed note: look it up} That will surely spice up the next Toastmasters or Board of Trade gathering.

III. Speed-dating sober might be deadly. Has she tried online dating? Oh yes...

"I noticed that the frequency of looks and emails was dwindling. So I figured: time to put up some new photos. First batch were some better head shots. Skin not so grayish green in these, boosted response a bit. Then I looked at what other women were doing and thought: Let's try shots that show my figure.

After much contortion, I achieved a few of these - the crowning achievement (thanks to a wonderful H&M t-shirt that will never, ever end up as a cleaning rag now), a photo that makes me look like I have the cleavage of Salma Hayek. That's the one I used as my main photo.

Well, the site posted the photo but cropped it so that the top half of my head is missing. Yes, I have no head. No matter - within 24 hours, I got more profile views, winks and emails than I had over the past 3 weeks. Guys I had contacted previously with no response have suddenly realized I existed and woke up.

Note: Not one aspect of my written profile - e.g. the part about my actual intellect and personality - had been altered."

Ed. note: Don't reach for that flask, gentle reader...remember that substance interactions can be dangerous...


At 8:00 PM, Blogger Brie said...

In terms of not standing out as a non-drinker when you're schmoozing, I've found that a tonic (or otherwise carbonated water) with a wedge of lime can do the trick. (I'm enough of a lightweight that I usually end up going this route at work functions.)


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