Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Dude, where's my pants?

Sometimes in the early mornings, I enjoy coffee and wi-fi at a Starbucks I dub, “The place for people who have done everything right in life.”

This is a mystical Montgomery County bistro wher all young men are aspiring masters of the universe and all older men have already arrived. No haircut costs under $120 and no stroller costs under $800. Every young mother’s belly is perfectly flat and every little toddling Chet and Isabelle is perfectly behaved. No wayward runners of snot or drool bespoils the overstuffed leather chairs here.

Why, you may ask, does this Starbucks let me in the doors? To keep it real - and also because I spend an obscene amount of my disposible income there (yes, even on the $3.45 yogurt parfaits).

Yet this morning, in this bastion of MoCo perfection, I saw something so very wrong it made me gasp.

A man in running tights… un-shrouded by shorts or a long t-shirt.


I nearly choked on my venti fair-trade blend. Too much information for a weekday morning. And the man seemed blissfully oblivious to what he was subjecting us all to, nochalantly chatting with his friend and stirring his mocha latte. While he was sporting the springtime equivalent of a Speedo.

Yet, in the face of such horror, my eyes were opened.

As you gather supplies for the survivors in Burma/Myanmar and China, don’t forget that crisis exists here, too, in our own backyard. Send that extra long t-shirt or pair of gym shirts over to Montgomery County.

A jogger in need will thank you...and so will those around him.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

More dispatches from the Nauseum...

When a week's news includes 128,000 dead in Burma/Myanmar, thousands more smothered in a China earthquake and bombs in India, it takes a special kind of headline to be worthy of the home page.

Fortunately Yahoo.com delivers:

- "Worst seat on the plane"

That's the toilet, by the way. Not sure exactly what the "with video" is portraying

("It was torture" cries the subhead)

Never realized JetBlue was into waterboarding.

- "New rule for taco trucks has Los Angeles residents up in a stew"

God, the humanity!

- "Man steals Yorkshire terrier from eight-year-old boy's arms"

Truly, all the news that is fit to post.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

CNN (Completely Nonsensical "News")

I used to respect this news-gathering and broadcast pioneer. However, that was back in the days when I was a junior high student reclining on shag carpeting in far-too-snug-for-me lavender Gloria Vanderbilt jeans.

Today, the "content" focus, if you will, seems to neatly fit into just a few pat categories. Regard this random front page sampling, May 4, 2008:

Category I: News of the Duh

- Poor Suffer More Pain Than the Rich

With stock photo of Excedrin montage...for those who don't grasp the subtle nuances of the word "pain."

- Teens Texting, Sexting

"Sexting"? Ewww...pls lt tht 1 die sk8trboi!

Category II: Babies, Babies, Dingo Ate My Baby! (Tales About and Related to the Miracle of Birth)

- Girl Carries Secret Baby to Hospital - Still Attached

She "jogged" to the hospital after giving birth alone in her shower - so maybe this tough teen is pretty newsworthy after all

Category III: On the Lagging Edge of Socio-Science

- The Man Cave: Why HE Needs a Room of His Own

The word "mantuary" needs to be smothered in man-cave bat guano and left to putrify.

- One Boy, One Girl, One Dorm Room

...and soon we may have a repeat of the attached-baby story above. See, the CNN News cycle just feeds itself!

Category IV: The Healthful Scold

- Student Educates Self, Loses 180 Pounds"

Perhaps he taught himself to get his ass away from the computer and CNN.com.

- Moms - Don't Forget "Me Time"

Just another thing to worry about among things you might not be doing right.

Category V: Christ, That's Weird (Not to Mention Completely Irrelevant to My Daily Life)

- Man Dials 911 With His Toes (with video)

Just like priceless footage of the Green Zone, the video is essential to capturing the drama.

To give CNN credit, there are a couple links to stuff in Zimbabwe, the electric car and the Iraq War. So it's not complete Weekly World News territory...yet.

Ted Turner, get back from your buffalo ranch and pay some attention to your operations. You can do better than this.