We’re not ugly…*

It’s just certain elements of our environment conspire against us, like:
• Ubiquitous name badges and lanyards strung with access cards, keys and keychains. Are you a dog? No - then what’s with the leash hanging around your neck?
• Fabrics not found in nature. Somewhere at a Burger King uniform factory in China, the overage of polyester is used to construct skirt-suits. These are bought by young female interns who mistakenly believe they are wearing something professional.
• A diet of happy hour chardonnay, gin and spring rolls.
• Acronym bags. Just because it toted your workshop trapper keeper and free pens during the annual conference doesn’t mean it should transport your possessions in public on a daily basis.
• Nude nylons. Still.
• Ugly comfy shoes. The Croc, the pilgrim boot, the pointless 1-inch heel. Two words: ballet flats (unless, of course, you are a man who’s not Mikhail Baryshnikov)
• Elastic waistbands
• John Bolton mustaches. An interesting way to pay homage to our former UN ambassador...

* They call DC "Hollywood for Ugly People." Anyone who lives here knows this is not necessarily true - in an urban area of 4 million, you're going to have some hotties just due to the law of averages. However, a recent city poll begged to differ.

You know you live in Washington, DC when...

- The first guest you meet at a cocktail party works for the DOJ...and you suspect the second person you meet is under DOJ investigation.

- Inevitably a third guest brags, "I can't tell you what I do for a living."

- Your office bathrooms can only be accessed with a secure key card. (Safe against terror - but not safe against that guy who walks in with a newspaper for a 30-minute visit.)

- You find yourself grudgingly admiring the smile-and-deny technique of Meryl Streep's character in the movie Rendition - e.g., "Wow, I know she's covering up torture and all, but she does CYA really well!"

- You've been glared at as if you were a hussy for wearing a skirt one inch above the knee to a business function.

- You've been stopped dead in your tracks when both stiletto heels simultaneously get caught in the Metro grate.

Overheard at Panera...

Three slick-talking multi-level marketing schmucks trying to convince a cash-strapped 18-year-old to ask her ill grandma for $500. What for? "The opportunity of a lifetime," of course.

It's shameless - they have her cornered in the sofa/fireplace area.

"If you work with me, I'll set you up for success."

They are playing her like a fine-tuned violin. Resist, young girl, resist!

SkyMall and the 7 signs of the apocalypse...

7. Pop-up Hot Dog Cooker - $49.95

6. The Thomas Kinkade Night Before Christmas Talking House - $134.95

5. "Lil' Chill" Chilled Shot Machine (pictured with featured classy booze of the day: Jagermeister) - $169.99

4. Towel-Matic Touchless Paper Towel Dispenser - $59.99

3. Deluxe Digital Countdown Toaster ("calls you when the toast is done...but that's not all it can do...") - $129.95

2. Advanced Large-Capacity Feline Drinking Fountain - $69.95

1. And...the AliveTM Elvis(R) Amitronic Robot - $299.95

Chicago: City of Wind, Silver-Painted Mimes

Bethesda is so fancy...

That its idea of "street food" is crepes. And yes, one version has Brie.

Served every Tuesday afternoon at Woodmont Triangle courtesy of two guys and a cart. Look for the fountain and the long line (and occasionally two random and well-oiled body builders doing push-ups off the steps nearby).

Washington, DC monuments...

That's hot - 90+ degrees worth of heat-baked, sun-reflecting, sweat-wringing, marathon-runner-slaying hot (not to mention oppressively humid)



WWII Memorial: A duck honors the Greatest Generation.



Vietnam War Memorial: Not a black wall shot



Korean War Memorial: The underrated historical site



The "d" in FDR stands for "doggie"