Antisocial media

Take away
these 12 types,
and there’d be no one left on Facebook.

CNN, purveyor of breaking news, described the types. I provide helpful examples so you may spot the evil within. (For me, it’s 8 and 9, lurker and crank.).

1. “Right foot polished…except for that crazy little pinkie.”
2. “Eton, Yale, now Stanford University School of Medicine - so hard to see out my S-Class’ rear window ”
3. “10,000 fans and counting”
4. “OMG! Brett Favre!”
5. “Is the proper tense ‘shat’? In any case…”
6. “Cabo this weekend – can’t wait to go their!”
7. “Why can’t I get laid?”
8. {What are you doing right now?}
9. “Like Mel Brooks in Spaceballs, surrounded by assholes”
10. “Miss B’s summer dungeon pics – now posted!”
11. “That’s the last time I ignore what the blue parrot says about love.”
12. “Which leafy green vegetable are you?”

Ayn Rand distributes your tofu

It's a little like discovering:

- John Mayer's not really a sensitive guy

- James Gandolfini doesn't really whack people in his spare time.

- Estelle Getty didn't really walk the earth as a sprlightly little Sicilian lady.

"Picture it, the arugula aisle, 2009. High-deductible health plans are all the rage."

Glimmers of hope in a crap week

If this week left you thinking "What a shitty world," it's understandable.

Some idiot in Pittsburgh thinks he's entitled to a harem of cheerleaders just because he wears cologne and goes to the gym once in a while. Then he's entitled to shoot his way through the Latin Jazz class when the overall female population decides, "Whoa - dude's creepy!"

Then the swastika was revived as a propoganda symbol.

But here are two reminders that all yin brings a bit of yang. Or something like that.

Julia Child: Movie or no movie, if you can read "My Life in Paris" without getting a spring in your step and some (wait for it) joie de vivre in your heart, you are officially dead.

The Progressive Insurance Girl: So many guys I know harbor secret and not-so-secret crushes on her. What's cool: She's got a personality. She's got a brain. She looks like a real person you'd see on the street. Yes, she's a fictional character pimping insurance, but she's a far more positive depiction of female empowerment than, say, the bikini posse swimming up that guy's nostrils in the Axe commercials.

Then there are the freed journalists, the newest member of the Supreme Court...So perhaps some glimmers of hope in a crap week.

5 Things I Won't Miss When the Recession Ends

The economic bloodbath is over! (If you're an executive with Goldman Sachs or if you believe an over-optimistic glimpse into a few statistical indicators, that is.)

Whenever this blessed event arrives, it won't be soon enough...

Here are 5 things that hurt more than the carnage inflicted upon my retirement fund:

1. Cash4Gold TV ads: Not only are the production values sad, $800 for all your jewelry is a deal that makes the pawnshop look good.

2. Stupid faux words like "Staycation," "Funployment" and "Recessionista"

3. CNN's "Grapes of Wrath" series. Sad and chilling. In keeping with the site's post-Turner decline, can't it just stick with frivolous celebrity gossip and cougar wisdom from The Frisky?

4. Articles about how the wealthy have suddenly discovered "frugality": See Vogue, Gwyneth Paltrow, Oprah, the Hamptons.

5. The use of the word "stimulus" in a totally non-sexy, g-rated context


On a serious note: An increasing number of empty storefronts are popping up in downtown Bethesda. If you have a favorite restaurant, deli, shop, convenience store, adult video purveyor, etc., now is a good time to patronize them, wherever you live. Unlike Goldman Sachs, these businesses will neither be receiving bailouts or million-dollar bonuses.

Colombia: Truth in advertising

Kudos to the beautiful and intriguing nation of Colombia for cutting through the PC sugarcoating with its new tourism slogan:*

The Only Risk is Wanting to Stay

It's true: Unfortunately, the first reaction people generally have when you say you're thinking of booking a ticket to Bogota is either a guarded look or a reference to a.) FARC** b.) the Medellin cartel, or c.) the movie, Maria Full of Grace.

(If you're talking to a warm-blooded human with XY chromosomes, they might mention Shakira as well. But only after mentioning Pablo Escobar.)

So this ad campaign takes the bull by the horns and tackles the preconceptions early on.

- As the commercial states, the word for "foreigner" is the same as the word for "friend" (not "ransom")

With lovely images and music, it reinforces the point that:

- No, you won't need to take an armed posse of guards with you to the club. (ED NOTE: That's Johannesburg.)

- Yes, you will be storing your souvenirs in the normal way during the return flight, in the overhead compartment, not your anal cavity.

Imagine if other destinations around the world adopted similar no-bull taglines.

- Yes, we have hookers!

- Not the shithole you previously imagined.

- You'll come for the cheap trinkets. You'll stay for the cute street dogs.

- Where five-mile taxi rides from the airport only cost $50.



* This slogan replaces the previous one: "It's spelled with an 'O', jackass."

** Not to be confused with Fark